Essential 1: The Tube
If you’ve been looking to upgrade that outdated TV, now is the perfect time, since even a 52-point Patriots drubbing looks great in big-screen HD. Want to watch the players in life-size proportions but not ready to shell out big bucks? Consider a projector, where the only limit to the size of the screen is how much wall space you can clear. For the truly adventurous, it even allows you to project the game on the side of your house and have a proper tailgate party, Wisconsin-style (bring your own frostbite remedy). At the very least, use every TV or radio you own to play the game everywhere guests will be, even in the bathroom, so that no dedicated fan has to miss a minute (or ruin your couch during a thrilling late-game drive).
Essential 2: The Theater
There’s undoubtedly a side of you (or your spouse) that will be psyched to make cute decorations, cleverly color-coded to one or both of the teams participating in this year’s game. Find that side of you, drag it out back, and shoot it like a rabid dog. This is the Super Bowl. The only decorating allowed is moving all the furniture closer to the TV, stashing all the breakables, and strategically placing rolls of paper towels to keep damage to a minimum.
Essential 3: The People
This isn’t a formal dinner party, so don’t limit your guest list: The surest death sentence for your shindig is not having enough people to get a noise complaint from your cranky neighbor. Anyone you like hanging out with who’s remotely interested in football, free food, or beer is a potential guest; however, there’s one key invite rule that defies all logic: Make sure to invite at least one male friend who knows absolutely nothing about football. Just trust us on this one. At some point in the doldrums of a late third quarter coach’s challenge, his completely inane questions about holding penalties, blitz packages, or why the players all hug before every play will be the highlight of the whole party.
Essential 4: The Grub
With a couple dozen people coming over, you have to walk a fine culinary line: You don’t want to serve anything too complex to stuff into a mouth while it’s yelling at the screen, but you also need something memorable to make your guests realize your couch was the right one to park their cans on. Make sure plenty of finger-food snacks are out as your first guests arrive, such as wings, nachos, and chips with various dips to try (an easy way to impress with a gourmet flair). Keep your main course simple and handheld (think burgers, pizza, sausages) and save it for the guaranteed worst part of the entire broadcast: the halftime show. As for drinks, cocktails and a Super Bowl party fit together like diabetics and a Twinkie factory -- there’s no acceptable beverage but beer (the only nondrinkers in the room should be pregnant). A good rule-of-thumb for quantity: When guests ask what they can bring, tell them a six-pack. You’re covered.
Essential 5: The Gambling
As much as we all wish otherwise, the game is inevitably an overhyped blowout that doesn’t measure up to the multimillion-dollar advertisements supporting it. To keep things interesting, you need money on the line, either by simply betting on who’ll win or by setting up a more elaborate pool. But don’t stop with the final score: Keep your guests in it to win it by instigating frequent low-budget bets on anything and everything worth gambling on -- which team will score the next touchdown, who’ll get caught swearing on-camera, what product the next ad will be selling (these are called “prop bets”). Before you know it, your name will be scrawled in the annals of Super Bowl (party) history.
Essential 6: Cleaning Up
Yeah, have fun with that.
by Charles Coxe
6/26/08
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