A few weeks ago, I was lying in bed when I was suddenly awakened by a tinkling sound coming from the bathroom. At first I thought it was a leaky faucet, but it turned out it was actually my wife doing mother nature’s bidding with the door ajar. Now, I’m all for an honest, open relationship -- but this was a little too open. When I confronted her about it, she got all defensive and countered that she didn’t appreciate cleaning up my nail clippings all over the house. That’s when it hit me -- we’d only been married nine months, and already we’d lost all sense of decorum. Things we'd never dream of doing in front of each other when we were dating were now commonplace. I talked to some friends about it, and it turns out we weren’t alone. All across this fine nation of ours, newlyweds are belching, flossing, and tweezing themselves silly, with no regard for one another’s privacy. Question is: What can you do to keep such public acts of indecency at bay?
For some couples, farting and burping in each other’s presence is as normal as hugging and kissing. My friend Peter actually has belching contests with his wife. “I think it’s hysterical,” he says. “And the fact that we feel so uninhibited around each other is why we love each other so much.” But Peter is in the minority. Sure, there's something to be said for that level of comfort, but when you treat your spouse like you would your adolescent son, there’s a problem. “For us, it’s about respect,” writes Nestie brwniydgirl. “My hubby and I like to maintain a level of gentleman/ladylike qualities.” So how do you put an end to the gas crisis? Call a truce. Tell the offender that you’ll stop if she stops. This avoids any finger-pointing and helps you put your relationship back on the privacy track.
Lisa’s husband Jeffery has absolutely no problem popping his zits in front of her. “Sometimes he even asks me to pop them for him,” she says. “I had to draw the line when he wanted me to squeeze one on his butt.” Unless you’re in summer camp or getting a facial, pimple popping is meant to be a private act strictly between you and the offending whitehead. The same policy goes for nose hair pulling, leg shaving, and cuticle cutting. Some might argue that sharing is caring. To these people, I say simply: ew. As a rule, if you did it privately before you were married, then you should do it privately while you’re married. The main point of plucking my nose hair is so my wife doesn’t see my hairy nose -- so why would I do it in front of her?
One reader wrote in to say that she has no problem going to the bathroom with the door open or while her husband is showering. “But we would never go number two in front of each other -- that’s where we draw the line,” she says. Thank goodness she has standards! But, seriously, let me ask something: Where in the marriage vows does it say “‘til death do us fart”? And yet, some couples do this all the time as if it’s a rite of passage. Some things are better left unseen. To keep the attraction burning in your relationship, ignore the open-door policy. And after you’re finished, remember to spray some air freshener.
There was a time when nothing came between you and your lover, right? That was then. These days you’re lucky to get in a good romp without competing with your BlackBerry, the NBA playoffs, a barking dog, or some other distraction. “My husband will stop in the middle of sex to get a drink of water,” writes Nestie 1Joyous1. Well, like the Sprite ad says, “Obey your thirst.” A friend used to complain that his wife would always fall asleep before he climaxed. Not to state the obvious here, but if you can’t devote 10 or 15 minutes of your undivided attention to pleasing the love of your life, then maybe it’s time to take inventory. Unplug the phone, turn off the TV, and revisit the romance that caused you to fall head over heels in the first place. Just don’t forget to floss and brush your teeth afterward -- in private.
-- Jonathan Small
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