Unless you and your mate have lived in solitary for the past 20 years, you both came into your marriage with a history -- one that didn't involve each other. Dealing with them can be tricky, but it's an important part of a healthy marriage. Read on for tips for accepting your honey's (or your own) less-than-snowy-white yesteryear.
DO: End the discussion.
The past can encompass ex-lovers, as well as nagging emotions or unresolved anger associated with them. "The first ground rule in a relationship is to deal with your past," says Daphne Rose Kingma, author of Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours. "We all go through an emotional resolution process when a relationship ends. We need to get rid of anger and disappointment and get to a point where the old relationship is neutral to us."
It's fine to talk honestly about prior relationships and how they affected and influenced you, but once you've had those conversations, let them go. "Don't make past relationships a constant conversation topic," says Kingma. "It'll give your spouse the impression that you're not finished with those other people. If you do talk about past relationships, always do it in a way that honors the present. If you find yourself talking about how great your ex is, or was, make sure you tell your spouse that he or she is even more wonderful, and that's why you're here now."
DON'T: Use the past as a weapon.
That sounds easy...in theory. But when tempers flare and the rule book is tossed aside, do you compare the present's shortcomings to the good moments in your past? "Whenever you bring up the past, always check your motives," says Kingma. "If you're using it as a nasty crowbar, you need to address what's making you angry in the present." Instead of hurting your partner with talk about past relationships, discuss what's happening now.
DO: Compliment your partner.
Do you bring up bygone days when the going gets good? "Some people haven't learned how to praise the present situation," says Kingma. "Rather than tell their partner how happy they are, they talk about how unhappy they were with their ex." Recognize your need to live for today. If you focus on condemning the past, you won't fully appreciate what you have, and your partner probably won't understand your backhanded compliments. Work on direct compliments by saying things like "I love it when we just relax together" or "You're so sweet to play my favorite CD."
DON'T: Divulge more info.
Were you a little racy before you met your true love? Are you debating whether to reveal your track record? "The worst advice to give a newly married couple is that they should be completely open about everything that happened in their pasts," says Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Work Again. "Some things are better left unsaid." If you didn't reveal your dirty secrets before your wedding day, why do it now?
Clearly, if you've been a victim (emotionally, physically, or sexually) in the past, you should share that so you can deal with it together. But Weiner-Davis says coming clean should be a well-considered judgment. "If sharing past activity will enhance your present relationship, share it. But if it's going to hurt your relationship or have a neutral effect, it's not worth mentioning."
The past led you to where you are today. Your choice to make it part of your present depends whether it'll help your tomorrow. Sometimes, for the sake of the future, it's better to keep the past in the past.
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by Donna Lambeth
6/26/08
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couple issues,
Love/Sex