Fight Club: How to Fight Fair
Tips to help you resolve arguments and move on to making up.
If you haven't noticed yet, the first year of marriage isn't all peaches and cream. Don't worry, it's normal. Beginning a new life together as husband and wife is a major adjustment. The trick is knowing when to engage in a disagreement and when to let it go without resentment. Either way, learn from the argument and make up afterward. (Hint: Skip the handshake and go straight for the sex.) Newlyweds…take your corners!
"My husband's new hobby means less time spent with me."
While it's not fair for him to spend all his time with his golf buddies, you can't expect him to be with you all the time either. Time apart from each other is vitally important in a relationship. Why? "It allows each person to grow as an individual, to develop new interests, to be an 'I' as well as part of a 'we,'" explains Dr. Aline Zoldbrod, a Boston-based sex and couples therapist who runs the website sexsmart.com. "The newness that each of you brings back into the relationship from your time apart fuels the 'aliveness' of your relationship."
Your plan: Negotiate a ratio of togetherness and time apart that meets both of your needs. Perhaps you could create a tradition of pulling the calendar out every so often and planning some time together. It doesn't have to be monumental or expensive -- even something as simple as a walk in the park with your dog would do the trick.
"The quirks that were once cute are now killing me."
Whether your husband snaps his gum or shouts out game show answers, the fact is everyone has traits others might find irritating. Sure, you could roll your eyes every time you hear his bubble gum pop, but it's all about picking your battles. "If you try to tweak his every little idiosyncrasy, he'll feel unloved," says Dr. Zoldbrod. And although his little quirks get on your nerves, they are just that -- little.
Your plan: Take a look at his more positive traits. If he's kind, loving, and dependable, maybe you can overlook his negative habits. However, if it's gotten to the point where you can't even be in the same room as him whenever Jeopardy! comes on, then Zoldbrod recommends bringing the subject up gently and with a bit of humor, but prefacing it with some of his positive attributes. For example, "Honey, you're so smart for knowing the answer was photosynthesis! And I'm sure Alex Trebek would be impressed, but the constant shouting really gets on my nerves. Do you think you could try toning it down, please?" Then again, maybe you could help get him on the show to put his skills to good use.
"He won't help out around the house unless I nag his ear off."
Chances are, your hubby would like nothing more than to put an end to the nagging, but you also have to remember that he's hardwired to get away with as little as possible. So follow the advice of Barbara Bartlein, a psychotherapist in Milwaukee and author of Why Did I Marry You Anyway? 12.5 Strategies for a Happy Marriage. She suggests making a list of all the household duties and dividing them up based on what each of you would like to do. (Check out our chore list for a little help.)
Your plan: Since he'll have a voice in the process, it'll make him more likely to comply. Obviously, there will be things neither wants to do, but the key is to identify what feels fair and agree on it. "It's important to emphasize that this isn't cast in stone. You may want to renegotiate again," notes Bartlein. Another suggestion? Tell him he'll get more sex. It's true: A study conducted by marital researcher Dr. John Gottman found that men who do more housework have better sex lives than those who don't. The theory is that a helpful husband makes his wife feel more respected, and, in turn, makes her more likely to give back to her mate. Tell him that, and he'll never look at a feather duster the same way again.
"When something's bothering him, he shuts down."
Men communicate differently than women. Yeah, it sounds like a line ripped out of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, but it's true. Watch When Harry Met Sally, and you'll see a scene where Harry, amidst a wave at a football game, talks to his friend about his failed marriage. Women, on the other hand, would discuss their problems with no more than a cup of coffee to distract them. Dr. Tracy Todd, a Denver-based marriage and family therapist, explains this phenomenon: "Men tend to need an activity to get them to open up. When the topic gets too intense, they do the activity. Then, after a break to think and process, they'll go back to talking. This switching back and forth allows them to handle the problem talk in doses."
Your plan: So what should you do? Bring up the issue when you're both in a positive zone -- before something is bothering him -- to find out how you should approach the situation when something is gnawing at him. "Having this conversation when there are no emotional barriers gives you the opportunity to learn how to best approach him," says Todd. Plus, it beats talking over the announcer at a football game.
"My wife thinks money grows on trees, which means I have to pinch pennies in order for us to get by."
You obviously have two very different spending habits, and it's likely you knew that before entering into marriage. The key now is to reshape her ideas about spending. Bartlein suggests developing a financial plan.
Your plan: "Sit down and figure out how much will be saved per month, how much is needed for expenses, and the dollar amount that each of you can spend without discussing it with each other first," advsies Bartlein. For example, no purchases over $25 can be made without consulting your partner. You should also open a joint bank account if you haven't already, because it helps couples think of their financial status in terms of "our" money, rather than "mine" or "yours." Not only that, but it also acts as a symbol of your trust and confidence in one another. If you follow the plan, the only thing you'll be pinching is yourself. (No, it's not a dream!)
"She's ready for a baby. I'm not. So I try to avoid the issue altogether."
If you're nervous about becoming a parent, that's okay. It's a big decision -- the biggest. But if the object is to reduce the pressure on you, then ignoring it is only going to make things worse. You have to deal with it like you probably did your engagement: Find out why she's in a rush and reassure her you have the same goals.
Your plan: First, figure out what your concerns really are. Are you worried about what will happen to your freedom, your sex life, or whether you'll be a good father? Then communicate them to your wife and ask about her hopes and fears as well, suggests Zoldbrod. "By sharing your deepest feelings, rather than erecting a wall, you'll strengthen your emotional intimacy as a couple and will find it easier to negotiate on this issue," she explains. Once you settle on a time you're both ready to have children, or at least ready to have the discussion again, then comes the fun part -- making them!