So now that you're married, you've settled into your newlywed routine: You work, you eat, you sleep, and, before your sweetie can even think about putting the moves on you, you think to yourself, "Oh, honey, I'm tired. Let's do it tomorrow." Sound remotely familiar? Take note -- if the romance starts to dwindle long before your hair turns gray, there's no telling if one of you will break that bond of love before death parts you. We know -- it sounds so dramatic. But these 10 tips will help you keep the flame burning red-hot.
1. Position Yourself
Puh-leeze! How can you be bored with sex when there are 600 positions, at least according to the Kama Sutra, to test out? That's nearly three new positions every week for the first four years of your marriage! Tracey Cox, Australian sex expert and author of Hot Sex: How to Do It (Bantam Doubleday Dell, 1999), Hot Relationships (Bantam Doubleday Dell, 2000), and Supersex (DK Publishing, 2002), suggests diversity as the way to steer clear of relationship roadblocks: "You can make love to the same person for the rest of your life in a million different ways, places, and situations. Sex can be slow and sensual, raw and wicked, intense and erotic; a two-hour marathon or a two-minute quickie up against the fridge." While it may take a little more effort than you had hoped for, it's important that your sexual energy doesn't go flat. Even your favorite food would get pretty boring if that's all you ever ate. So keep this one simple phrase in mind: variety is the spice of life.
2. Something to Talk About
Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. We know this cliched phrase sounds more and more like blah blah blah key to blah blah blah. But we'll say it once and we'll say it again -- without this tool, your marriage can't succeed. By communicating, we mean anything from making a list of the top 20 places you wanna 'do it' to sifting through major life issues: career (he works too many late nights, she had to give up her job for the baby); family (he wants to spend the holidays with his family 3,000 miles away but you promised to spend it with yours); money (she's still juggling her debt and he refuses to spend a dime!). If you learn to talk about these things -- reasonably -- you'll spend fewer nights huffing and puffing with your backs turned on one another and more time backing him or her up against the bed or fridge, huffing and puffing.
3. Get in the Mood
While we'd all agree a sure way to get in the mood for love would be a romantic trip to Paris -- you all dolled up in a sophisticated old-world French-like dress looking like Audrey Hepburn -- there's not always the time or the money to do a Hollywood-esque romantic getaway. So here are six simple ways to put a spark back in your married life.
- Combine romance with eroticism: give him a bottle of Scotch (or for her, flowers) with note attached telling your lover what wonderful things he or she did to do deserve this, suggests Cox, such as "Last night was the best three hours we've spent together since the honeymoon."
- Surprise him with new bathroom reading material. Replace his Men's Health and Esquire magazines with sex books to keep things fresh and imaginative.
- Have a bed picnic, with fresh fruit, chocolates, cheese slices, and chilled wine to encourage under-the-sheets action.
- Buy new lampshades for the bedroom, something dark and mysterious that lets in little light and induces a romantic vibe.
- Next time you attend a cocktail party together or share Valentine's Day at a quiet restaurant, "forget" to wear panties (c'mon, try it just once) and make like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.
- Take a bubble bath together or, if you're lucky enough to live near a remote pond or lake, go skinny-dipping together under a full moon.
4. Keep Doing It
Okay, so maybe you don't do it as much as the neighbors, but hey, at least you do it. So what if the statistic is that an average couple makes love 2.5 times a week and you do it 2.5 times every other week. (Not to mention the fact that who on earth does it half a time anyway?!) Cox explains why this isn't a statistic to live up to: "We forget that an average statistic is just that -- an average," she says. "Researchers have lumped in the couple who shred the sheets three times a day with the one who manages it once a year and all those who fall somewhere in between, added up their weekly totals, and averaged them all out." Point is, it doesn't matter how much you do it, just that you do do it and do it well. While we will forgive you if you admit to faking shut-eye once in a while when your partner crawls into bed beside you, we'll be the first to tell you you're headed for disaster if you treat sex like a luxury or a reward. Sex is an essential nutrient to keep you healthy, like calcium or vitamin C.
5. Tease and Flirt
A wink of the eye can make all the difference in a relationship that's ho-hum and one that's va-va-va-voom. So flirt with each other! The natural amphetamines and endorphins that will surge through your body will stimulate an emotional high and the anticipation of what will lie ahead will be a huge turn-on. Best ways to flirt: Post little love notes all over the place where they'll least expect it (in his sock drawer, in her make-up bag); play footsies under the table at your own dinner party and ask him for help in the kitchen where you'll douse him with wet kisses; or, excuse yourself from the Sunday night home movie you're watching, pretend to get a glass of water, and come back to your sweetie completely naked as if nothing has changed.
6. Spring Cleaning
Once in a while it's necessary to clean out your underwear drawer and go shopping for something sexy. He needs to get rid of old boxers with holes near the crotch and get some tighties -- boxer briefs are super sexy -- that are simultaneously comfortable for him and fun to look at for you (get the hint guys...we wanna see the shape of those cute butt cheeks through your underpants!). And for all the women out there who talk their girlfriends' ears off about the breathability of cotton undies with expandable waists, here's what should top your next shopping list: low-cut, G-string silk panties; lace lingerie in hot hues or mysterious black; a thong teddy; and, if you're brave enough, a set of stockings with a garter belt.
7. Start Dating
Romance will be enhanced the more you start dating...each other, that is. You need to make a commitment to do stuff together outside the bedroom and before 11 p.m. each night. Think about the world's most romantic movies and recall what the lucky lovers will do to romance their partners. You don't see much half-assed kissing on the lips, mugs glued to the TV, or forgotten-about dinner-dates. What you see are romantic strolls under the stars, candlelight dinners, fabulous waltzes, and sweet serenades. If you two are always pulling out your BlackBerries and checking your schedules against one another, consider making a weekly date night: Tuesdays, for example. Every week that night is for you two and nothing else. And you'll get bonus points for the little things too: going to bed at the same time; slow dancing...naked; taking a yoga class together; or simply indulging in a session of long, passionate kissing.
8. Kids Patrol
And then there were three. We're not going to lie to you. Having a child may create a small dent in your sex life -- but only for a little while, and only if you let it. Sure, there's the tiredness from late nights spent with the crying one, and the hormones and the sore breasts, oh and the feeling of not looking so beautiful with all the extra flab. But in order to get back into the sack more quickly, you need to:
- Not stress about the lack of intimacy right after having your baby
- Not fight about sex or the lack thereof, and talk about your needs instead;
- Indulge in small sensations, like foot rubs, back rubs, and bubble baths. Then when you're feeling up to it, give it a whirl and make it adventurous by testing out a new position, breaking in your new living room rug, and best of all, scheduling a weekend away sans baby.
9. New Years' Resolutions
Ask your sweet thing to make a relationship wish list and then match your New Year's resolution list to his or her needs. Make sure what's on the list are things the other partner needs more of in the relationship and make it your job over next year to fill those voids. Whether its more oral sex or more quality time together or fresh flowers on your birthday and Valentine's Day, whatever the requests may be, make sure he or she is fully satisfied. And don't skimp on the lists...if you say (er, write) something out loud, your every wish just might come true.
10. Get Physical
Don't get complacent in love. Don't make sex a routine. Stop being embarrassed about your affections and let go of all inhibitions -- you're married now! Let loose. No one is going to leave you because you tried something strange and awkward perhaps. Rather, your best attempt at a strip tease that ripped your stockings and made you trip over the phone cord will probably seem so entirely exotic and out of the ordinary that he or she will love you more for it. "Marriage isn't a sexual death sentence and monogamy doesn't have to be boring," says Cox. "It's all in your control." All you have to do is devote time and effort to making your sex life as varied and as rewarding as possible. And who cares if you mess up?! The fun is in the fact that you tried.
-- Jennifer L. Smith
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