Now that you're married, you may be noticing changes in your friends. Married friends may joyfully add you to their roster of couples to dine and vacation with, while your union may remind single friends of their lack of success in the relationship department. How to deal with friends of all persuasions? Like this...
Same-sex Friends
This type of friendship is unlikely to provoke jealousy. An occasional night out with the girls (or boys) is healthy and gives you a break from one another, but problems can arise if you two disagree about how much time you should spend apart. If he wants to go out with the guys twice a week and she expects him to dine with her every night, hurt feelings can develop and escalate into fights. Open communication is key here: Let your sweetheart know your expectations and be prepared to compromise in either direction. If you can agree on a house rule about nights out with pals, you'll both benefit.
Friends of the Opposite Sex
Maintaining friends of the opposite sex (we like to call them FOS) is probably one of the biggest cans of worms you'll open in your marriage -- especially when the friend is an ex. You may know your honey chose you, but it doesn't help when you hear him laughing with the ex about high jinks they shared in college. How can you avoid bad feelings? Try some of the following:
- Include your mate when you hang with FOS. After all, if all three of you are together, your spouse is likely to see the friendship is strictly platonic.
- Alternatively, keep FOS friendships separate from your marriage. Your honey may think it's cool that you chat with your exes from Texas, but she may not want to hear how great their new jobs are. Don't hide your friendship with the ex, just don't talk about it too much, and definitely avoid comparing your ex to your mate (for life, remember?) out loud.
- If it causes too many problems, you can always break off the friendship. Is it really worth jeopardizing your marriage to hang out with your ex for an hour each month? It's probably not worth the hassle.
Single Friends
You may have trouble staying close to single friends after marriage. They may seem distant and jealous -- or they may think you betrayed them by trading your single status for glorious coupledom (read
Bridget Jones's Diary: A Novel for more on this phenomenon).
Don't take friends' negative reactions personally; they're likely feeling a bit deserted. If you want to maintain the friendship, call your hurt friend and ask him or her out for coffee or a drink. When you get together, try to avoid going on and on about your new love nest. This gets old fast. Instead, talk about common interests you shared before you got married. If all you had in common was chatting about the opposite sex, your friendship may die a natural death. Don't feel guilty; this happens sometimes. But if you and your friend share something deeper, there's no reason you shouldn't keep hanging out after the big "I do."
Sharing Friends
Finally, making and maintaining mutual friends is a great way for couples to share their social live. Most newly married couples gravitate toward other married couples. It makes for a nice, even number and lets you see how other couples handle their relationships. Of course, if your wife's best friend is married to a total moron, don't feel obligated to attend every couples' bowling night. We encourage you to voice your thoughts and feelings -- as we all know, the key to successful marriage is all in the talk.
by The Nest Editors
2/11/08
See more:
couple issues,
Love/Sex