Back in my single days, making friends was simple. I liked the person, she liked me back, and presto -- we were buds.
Finding decent couple friends has much more room for error. You have to like both of them, and they have to like both of you. The chances of connecting on all cylinders are slim. It’s part luck and part good old-fashioned work. If they don’t magically appear in your life, get proactive. Try the classified ad approach (without actually placing one, because that would be weird). Write down all the things you’re looking for in couple mates -- and all the things you can’t stand. Then, when they show up at a friend’s dinner party, you’ll know you’ve met your match. One of my couple friend classified ads could look something like this:
1. Seeking Like-minded Couple
Why it matters: Often we’ll meet couples who seem great at first, but we later realize that they share zero of our interests. How many times can you just go out to dinner? (Okay, probably a lot, but still.)
How to work it: For a friendship to flourish and last for years, you need to get out and explore the world together -- or at least the local mall or tennis court. Couple friends who play together, stay together.
2. Prior Experience a Plus
Why it matters: We have couple friends who are married and unmarried. While they’re both fabulous in their own ways, the couples that are in the same place as us maritally and emotionally tend to be the ones we see more.
How to work it: Gilda Carle, PhD, and founder of
drgilda.com, says this is normal: “You’re not going through the same struggles as your unmarried friends. Older couples make for great friends. Think of them as marriage mentors.”
3. Must Play Nice
Why it matters: For some reason, my friend's wife is insanely competitive with mine. If my wife shares a story about working her way through college, competi-wife has to tell a better story about working her way through college.
How to work it: Argh! You can’t have comepti-wife making your wife feel insecure. Bottom line: If one person in the foursome is competitive, jealous, or makes little snarky digs -- all bets are off for a couple friendship.
4. Night Owls Need Not Apply
Why it matters: We have a baby, so we’re not really in the market for a couple who wants to party until 4 a.m. -- that’s when we wake up to feed our son. The opposite is true too. A couple that likes the nightlife isn't going to have fun with people who consider staying up to watch
30 Rock extravagant.
How to work it: So being in the same lifetime zone is a must to find time for the right couple friends. You don’t necessarily have to have a baby to enjoy going to sleep early. It’s a matter of finding couples that also prefer meeting up for early dinners or early evening cocktails.
5. Must Love Spouse
Why it matters: Steer clear of couples that are prone to PDA -- public displays of argument. You know, the ones who fight about their sex life over dinner while you’re trying to get the waiter's attention to grab the check.
How to work it: Even if it's just an occasional thing, public spats send out a negative energy that's not healthy to their relationship or yours. And it’s just plain uncomfortable and awkward to witness. Better to surround yourself with positive, happy peers.
6. Complete Compatibility Required
Why it matters: Sometimes you may find that you like a couple a lot more than your spouse likes them. You may even be disappointed that he doesn’t see it the same way and pressure him to hang in there to give the couple a chance.
How to work it: Don’t push it. Friendship, like Celine Dion, is not something you can ram down someone's throat. Dr. Gilda says, “The true litmus test is this: Do you look forward to seeing this couple? If you want to see them again -- great! If not, see ya later.”
See More: Couple Issues