“You’re great, but being close doesn’t mean I want you to be my new son/daughter, okay?”
Brace your ego: If your MIL already has sons or daughters, she probably isn’t in the market for one more. “Sometimes I feel like my daughter-in-law tries to have an intense parent-child relationship that’s not going to work,” says Kris.* “She has a Mom; I have another daughter. I want us to have a connection, but it can be another thing entirely.”
It’s all about reaching out in the right ways. “I love talking to my son, but it would be nice if my daughter-in-law called me herself, just to check in,” says Patricia. “I don’t have daughters, so it’s great to have a girl I can talk to about decorating or recipes.” So find the common interest you have, even if it’s as fluffy as shopping, and then chat her up more.
“Don’t cut in on my bond with my kid!”
Now that you’ve tied the knot, you may feel like a package deal. Well, tell that to your in-laws. “I love my son-in-law, and I enjoy spending time with him, but sometimes I wish I had my daughter to myself,” says Jodi. “Does he always have to come when she visits?”
So cut your spouse some alone-time with his or her parents…were you really dying to hang around and play charades anyway? While you’re at it, give them a little head space too. “My son and I have a great relationship, but sometimes he gets a little moody with me,” explains Sadie. “I’m used to it (he is my son), but his wife constantly feels the need to defend me. I know she’s just trying to help, but when she tsks him and tells him not to talk to me like that, it’s annoying.” Be there to give your spouse support, but otherwise, let them sort out their own weird issues. They like their weird issues.
“Why do you always reject my advice?”
“Whenever we’re out with my son and his wife, I swear I hear, ‘Well, my mom says…’ at least three times during the conversation,” Nadine complains. “Okay, honey, your mom is a genius, but she’s not the only mother who knows a thing or two.”
Next time your MIL gives her two cents, don’t shut her down like an iMac. “When I’m over at my son’s place and I make the tiniest suggestion, his wife flies off the handle,” complains Margorie. “I understand that she doesn’t want my opinion, but she doesn’t have to be such a bitch about it.” Reer!
No, you don’t have to put up toile wallpaper ‘cause she said so. Just appease her by saying, “Oh, that’s an idea. I’ll think about it,” so she feels like you’re at least considering her opinion. Then feel free to ignore it.
“Don’t push your parents on me all the time. It’s annoying.”
Your in-laws were probably thrilled to welcome you into their family, but even though you may owe all of your stunning qualities to your parents, you don’t need to force both sets of parents to become a Meet the Fockers-palooza.“My daughter is married to a great guy, but his parents are not our cup of tea. They’re nice, but they’re a little dull and not people my husband and I would ever hang out with socially,” explains Linda. “Still, my son-in-law keeps pushing us to hang out together. Give it a rest. We don’t have to be best friends.”
“I get that you’re my son’s/daughter’s new best friend...but I’m not invisible!”
No parent likes to feel shafted. “I’m so happy that my son found someone he loves, but honestly, I miss being #1,” says Janet. (Can you say “mama’s boy”?)
Even if you know that you’ve stolen the top spot from Mrs. Matriarch, you can still make her feel needed. Send her an email suggesting she go out to lunch with her son (alone), and you’ll set up the reservation. Or call and ask what she thinks your husband might want for his birthday. And if she starts suggesting the brand of boxers she knows he’s always loved…well, just make an excuse to hang-up the phone.
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