At some point in my marriage -- not exactly sure when or why, really -- I became the designated spider killer. And fly swatter. And roach squasher. In fact, if any insect makes the unfortunate decision to wander into our home, it’s my responsibility to promptly terminate it. My wife, Diana, will stand in the kitchen inches away from a bug and still call me from across the house to come deal with it. Is it annoying? Sometimes, yes. But, then again, she has her own set of responsibilities, like shopping for the insect repellent and flyswatter.
The Sad Truth
She also does most of the cooking, but I take out the trash. She puts the baby down to sleep, but I built the crib. She brings the plants home from the nursery, but I put them in the ground. We work full time, live in a big city, and consider ourselves progressive -- yet the household chores we choose seem like something out of Father Knows Best. I talked to my friends about this and discovered that our situation, though retro, is very common: Married couples tend to define their roles along gender lines.
The Real Reason
In the beginning, when first dating, couples generally do everything together: shop, cook, clean, and walk the dog. But shortly after saying our vows -- or even before that -- we fall into more familiar, even stereotypical, roles. “Part of this has to do with our role models: our parents,” explains Samara Fabrick, LCSW, a couples therapist in Beverly Hills. “But another part has to do with practicality. We naturally gravitate toward things we’re good at.” For example, my wife is a professional chef -- so is it any mystery that she makes dinners most nights? I, on the other hand, am a professional geek. If a printer runs out of ink, I’m the replacer; if a TV show needs to be recorded, I’m the TiVo king.
The Game Plan
Splitting tasks along gender lines isn’t necessarily a bad thing as long as one spouse doesn’t resent the other for it. It’s one thing for my wife to feed the cat, but if she also gives it a flea bath and cleans out the litter box while I sit on the couch zoning out with SportsCenter, I’m definitely going to hear about it for weeks. To help prevent War of the Worlds II, Fabrick has a concept she calls "sweat equity." “You don’t have to do the same chores, but you should sweat equally,” she says. She suggests sitting down and figuring out what your strengths are, who does what, and then divvying up the tasks fairly.
The Ground Rules
One rule is to be flexible. Sometimes you might have to step in and fold the laundry even if you suck at it (note to self). And the second rule is to be nice. If your husband is delegated to, say, clean the bathroom, then absolutely no hovering, driveling about how you’d use Scrubbing Bubbles and not Comet. (Not like I’m speaking from experience or anything.)
by Jonathan Small
2/12/08
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couple issues,
Love/Sex