Q.
Lately my husband has been asking for more sexual behavior from me. But even if I try certain things for him, like taking nude pictures, it never seems to be enough. I feel very frustrated and pressured, and I don't even feel like being sexual at all anymore. How can we work things out?
A.
Trying out new things can be a fantastic experience for both people. But the pleasure is taken away when one person is trying to live up to certain expectations. It might be that he simply loves seeing you in high heels and sexy clothes, but doesn't expect you to look a particular way (like a Playboy centerfold!). Perhaps he loves watching you pleasure yourself, but he doesn't expect you to look like a porn star while doing it. And so on.
The point I'm trying to make is that he may love you doing all these different things -- just as you are -- and not have any expectations that you'll look or act like something out of a porn magazine or film. You may be putting your own insecurities on him in this way. You may think he's got these unattainable ideas of what you should look or act like, but really it's coming from you.
I wonder if when you say, "It never seems like enough," that's because you're only doing the things he suggests. And you're also feeling that he expects you to do these things perfectly. I wonder if you'd feel differently if you had the opportunity to make some suggestions. Even if you suggested snuggling up and making love in the missionary position!
Please do talk with him -- out of the bedroom and when both of you are feeling relaxed. Let him know that sometimes you're a bit daunted and want the reassurance that he loves you just the way you are -- and that this is just about sex-play. Also, bring up the notion of compromising, where you alternate between trying something new that he suggests and doing something you like.
Nestpert: Dr. Pam Spurr, author of Make Love All Night & Talk to Him in the Morning and Naughty Tricks and Sexy Tips: A Couple's Guide to Uninhibited Sexual Pleasure
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