Q.
I think my husband and I have gotten so used to not having sex that it makes it difficult for both of us to initiate. How do we change and get rid of the feelings of awkwardness and hesitation?
A.
Many very loving couples get into this rut. They're very good at relating on a day-to-day basis, but when it comes to sex, it gets very nerve-racking. They freeze up, and this can make sex feel daunting, even when everything else is right in a relationship.
The best way to reconnect intimately is to start small and slowly. As a bit of "homework," you should take your husband back to one of the places you went to when you were first dating. If you can't do that, get out a photo album from your early days and, with no other distractions, share some treasured memories of your time together. Then ask your husband what he was first attracted to in you. It might be easier for him if you volunteer what you found attractive in him. Have fun with this -- go all out telling him how much you loved his smile, describe how your heart pounded when he first kissed you, etc. Make sure there are no interruptions during this time -- cell phones off! -- and treat it like a real date.
Couples who do this regularly have proven to reconnect successfully. Once you feel that intimate bond is being established again, the next step is to ask about the things he fantasizes about. Be willing and honest about sharing your own fantasies too. Turn it into a little sex game, where one night you describe your fantasy and then plan a weekend to act it out -- maybe with costumes, a few props, or sex toys.
Also, make it clear to him that quality, not quantity, counts. Let him know that you're not demanding to go back to having sex three or four times a week, as couples do early in their relationships.
Nestpert: Dr. Pam Spurr, author of Make Love All Night & Talk to Him in the Morning and Naughty Tricks and Sexy Tips: A Couple's Guide to Uninhibited Sexual Pleasure
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