Q.
Since we've been married, my sex drive has dwindled to nearly nonexistent. We've tried many different things, but the only time I'm sure to orgasm is if we're in a house with other people and have to be very careful not to make noise. But when we try to duplicate this at home with slow, controlled movements, no vocalization, and so on, it doesn't work. Is it something physical? Is it mind over matter?
A.
If you can masturbate yourself to orgasm, then this is an emotional/psychological issue. It's interesting that "risky sex," when others are within earshot, intensifies your experience and allows you to reach orgasm. With that thought in mind, perhaps moving in together, getting engaged, and marrying signaled to you the end of an exciting era. This response to settling down is more common in men, but it does happen to some women. At a deeper emotional level, you may think all the romance and passion is gone now that you're committed to one person. It would be a good idea to see a therapist. But before you go, why not try to invigorate your life and relationship generally? Take out any unnecessary stress and replace it with fun dates, so you both can go out and do exciting things. This can restore a relationship's zip, which often gets lost in the day-to-day grind. If reconnecting through fun hobbies and interests, plus continuing to spice up your sex life, doesn't work, see a marital counselor.
Nestpert: Dr. Pam Spurr, author of Make Love All Night & Talk to Him in the Morning and Naughty Tricks and Sexy Tips: A Couple's Guide to Uninhibited Sexual Pleasure
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