You Asked:
I'm not sexually satisfied with my husband. I've tried everything -- lingerie, books, flat out telling and showing him what to do -- and I don't know what the disconnection is. Things are just so boring in the bedroom!
Dr. Pam Answers:
Your tone is a bit angry, which makes me wonder if something else is going on in the relationship and if you're just using sex as the focus of the problem. Obviously I don't know for sure, but perhaps there's a power struggle going on, or maybe a lack of communication is the source of the problem.
Only you can decide whether these issues are the starting point for your dissatisfaction. But I can say that when it gets to the point of finger-pointing (i.e., "You don't satisfy me no matter what you try"), a negative cycle begins to develop. He's on the defensive because he thinks you're on the offensive.
The first thing I'd try is evaluating how you two have been relating recently. Let your husband know you're going to have a moratorium on sex to take the heat off the sexual part of your relationship. This way, you can work on building more lovingness between you.
Here are some other things that may also help your relationship: Make a point of complimenting him each day and asking him for a compliment in return. Next, do a special little favor for him each day, even if it's simply leaving a loving note on his pillow or sending him a sweet text message. And make sure you get out for a weekly date where you do something fun, like seeing a movie or eating in a new restaurant. After about a month or so, determine how this works in terms of getting back that loving feeling.
Once you're both feeling closer, you should get the confidence to explore more of what's going on in the bedroom. If you haven't already, masturbate to find out what feels good and works for you. You can then take this new knowledge into lovemaking with him, describing in lots of detail exactly how you want to be touched and pleasured.
>> Read more of Dr. Pam's advice
>> Have a question for Dr. Pam? Email her at: drpam@thenest.com
Dr. Pam is the author of Make Love All Night & Talk to Him in the Morning and Naughty Tricks and Sexy Tips: A Couple's Guide to Uninhibited Sexual Pleasure
by The Nest Editors
6/30/08
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