Q.
I'm often uncomfortable during sex -- there's almost more pain than pleasure. I do like foreplay, but usually not intercourse. What's wrong with me?
A.
There are many reasons why women experience pain during intercourse. Some have an emotional reason; others have a physical reason. The fantastic starting point you have is that you do love foreplay with your husband. The fact you find some things do feel nice is a big positive.
It's important to rule out any physical cause, like an ongoing infection. I urge you to go to your gynecologist to have this checked out. You needn't worry because this is done in confidence and with people who are well versed in sexual health.
On the emotional side, I wonder if there's a pattern to this? For example, do you have periods of high stress in your work or some other aspect of your life? When we’re stressed, our entire body gets tense, and that includes our vaginal muscles. As soon as these tense up, sex can become painful. Or perhaps there's something you feel guilty about during sex? Maybe there's part of you that thinks you don't deserve to have great sex. Many people have feelings that somehow what they're doing isn't "right" because of attitudes handed down from their parents' generation.
Thinking about your answers to these questions may help you identify where this pain comes from. It’s important to share these thoughts with your husband. Together you can figure out how both of you can enjoy sex. If you feel it might have something to do with your emotional life, then I'm sure he'd like to know that you're feeling a little insecure, tense, or inhibited. You can talk about how you, as consenting and loving adults, both deserve to have sexual enjoyment.
Nestpert: Dr. Pam Spurr, author of Make Love All Night & Talk to Him in the Morning and Naughty Tricks and Sexy Tips: A Couple's Guide to Uninhibited Sexual Pleasure
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