Q.
My sex drive is much greater than my husband's. I've half heartedly tried to dress up in sexy lingerie and heels and got a "What are you doing?" and felt really stupid. It's beginning to take a toll on our relationship, especially because we both have a hard time talking about it. But when we do have sex it's very short and only he gets his fun. What can we do?
A.
It's rare for a couple to have the same level sex drive. In fact, most couples have to make some compromises. But first, you need to check that you're not using sex to get affection. Many women do this and actually initiate sex when they would be happier with a hug and kiss. And he needs to check if there's any underlying reason for his low sex drive, e.g., overwork, drinking too much, sexual inhibitions, side-effects of medications, etc.
You need to talk about it. Just find a time when he's relaxed and comfortable and can't walk away, then approach the topic in a tactful and loving way. Expressing what you need from each other will give both of you more confidence, so you can experiment in bed. Use this time to ask him what he might like you to try, which works better than dressing up and surprising him.
Then when you're both in the mood, find ways to ensure he doesn't get over stimulated and finish too soon. Try much more foreplay and bringing you to climax, perhaps with a vibrator, before penetration. He should also tell you if he's about to climax because he should withdraw before he does. If he squeezes his PC muscle (the one he used to stop urinating) at this point, this will stop him climaxing as long as he's not got to his "point of no return." Many men need to develop strength in their PC muscle. He can exercise it by squeezing it 10 times, holding for two seconds each time, and repeat twice a day.
Nestpert: Dr. Pam Spurr, author of Make Love All Night & Talk to Him in the Morning and Naughty Tricks and Sexy Tips: A Couple's Guide to Uninhibited Sexual Pleasure
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