It’s sometimes hard to be honest with your partner. After all, why tell the person you love something that might make them unhappy? Unfortunately, deciding “I’ll just keep this to myself” too frequently can lead to a complete breakdown in communication, which will make you even more miserable in the long run. Here are some simple steps to ensure you can discuss the things that require discussion with minimal discomfort for everyone.
Respect their privacy. Your spouse doesn’t want to hear it’s high time they dropped a few pounds at any point -- but it will be a lot easier to handle if you tell them when it’s just the two of you at home as opposed to crying out, “Not for him!” when the waiter offers to roll over the dessert cart while you’re having dinner with another couple.
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Time it right. News (particularly bad news) can take some time to process. If you know your partner has a big meeting the next morning, right before he goes to sleep isn’t the moment to reveal that you believe his mother has never liked you and you’d prefer she didn’t come to Thanksgiving.
Don’t wait too long. At the same time, don’t delay sharing the truth until the perfect moment since it’ll likely never arrive. This is particularly true with financial concerns or other time-sensitive matters. Waiting will just make things worse. Better they know about a broken budget now than find out by seeing the late penalties on your credit card bills.
Keep it simple. It’s like ripping off a Band-Aid -- the faster you do it, the less painful it is. So be clear and upfront. If you’re admitting a shortcoming of your own (“My account is overdrawn”), continuing to talk can seem like you’re making excuses for your mistake. If it’s something that can be construed as criticism (“It would be great if you tried foreplay”), going on about it will just make them feel like they’re under attack.
Clean up your own backyard. While it may be true your spouse would be healthier if they got off the Barcalounger occasionally and your finances would be sounder if they stopped ordering things from infomercials, if you don’t have your own bad habits under control, they’ll feel unfairly singled out for criticism. There’s a potential upside to this: If you both, for instance, need to take better care of yourselves physically, say, “I think we should start going to the gym together.” They may still dislike your standards, but at least they’ll know you apply them to yourself.
Be honest, not hurtful. If your spouse has just gotten a haircut for a friend’s wedding that weekend and asks what you think, resist the urge to blurt out, “That looks terrible!” No matter how much it may look like the barber had a dizzy spell midway through, it’s too late to do anything about it; all you’re doing is crushing their ego. By balancing what you need to say with what can wait -- when they’re ready for the next trim, mention how much you liked an earlier style -- you’ll ensure that communication between you stays both open and understanding.
-- Sean Cunningham
See More: Couple Issues