You may think you said "I do" to just one person on your wedding day, but the reality of married life is that you actually vowed to honor several people. For better or for worse, marriage comes with more than just china and a set of steak knives -- you’ve registered for a whole new family too. Maybe you're lucky enough to adore your in-laws instantly (hey, it does happen), but if you're like many of us, you've hit a few roadblocks on the road to familial bliss. No matter who's right or wrong (like when your mother-in-law asks if she can clean your house because it looks dirty), no matter what the situation (like when your mom tells him that a man is supposed to be the bread winner), you have to stick up for each other. So rather than spend the majority of your first year fighting, follow these in-law commandments to try to keep the peace.
Law Number One: Every family has a different way of doing things
During my first year of marriage, my husband and I had the inevitable fight over how to handle holidays and birthdays. My frugal parents have always said, "Don't buy us anything. We know you're trying to save money." Of course, I’d still pick up something inexpensive but sentimental (my mom is a sucker for a great photo in a cute picture frame). But my husband's family acts like they own stock in Hallmark and Google.
How did we compromise? By promising to respect each other's family traditions...within limits. In the end, we both agreed to cut down on the spending by politely refusing some invites. and for the holidays, we suggested the family do a secret Santa instead of purchasing many extravagant gifts. And the compromise principle works beautifully with more than just money. When you guys get along better with the in-laws, you’ll get along better behind closed doors too.
Law Number Two: Never spend more than three days under the same roof with your in-laws
Jen, married for two years and living in Phoenix, realized the hard way that bunking with the in-laws for more than 48 hours can get ugly. She finally cracked one night in front of his mother about how it was unfair that she had to sleep on the floor when she was five months pregnant. Her mother-in-law, who had given the spare bedroom to his sister and her kids, started crying and said Jen was ungrateful. While it’s easy to keep your cool overnight, go much longer and you might make a scene like Jen.
How could this scenario have been avoided? Less togetherness for one. Talk to your spouse first and map out a plan. Accept the invitation to spend time with the in-laws but say you know space is tight and don’t want to inconvenience them. Do this before the weekend. Spring for the $80 a night motel and park yourselves there. You'll get some needed space (and alone time), and even though they probably won't admit it, your in-laws will be grateful for the break too.
Law Number Three: Try (really, really hard!) not to bash each other’s parents
When Christy, a social worker from Long Island, New York, was planning her wedding, her future hubby ranted and raved for weeks about how his mom was being left out of the planning. So when Christy got infuriated with his mother for missing yet another gown fitting, she let harsh words fly about her future mom-in-law to her fiance.
Let’s just say he didn’t take it very well. So what do you do? Do you boil inside instead of telling your spouse what’s really ticking you off? Or do you cause a family riff by screaming at everyone about how dysfunctional they are at your sister-in-law’s housewarming party? How about neither. You have to pick and choose your battles. If it’s something minor, like his mom said something stupid that annoyed you, keep your mouth shut. But on the rare occasion she steps way out of line, tactfully talk to your husband about it. Say something like, “I was really confused by something your mom did today,” rather than attacking her.
Law Number Four: Call your mother-in-law once in a while to say hi, even if it kills you
We know what you're thinking: She’s not my mom so why do I have to check in? Because it will win you brownie points -- big ones. Rebecca, married one year, says that after keeping her mother-in-law at bay for the first six months, her husband started dropping hints about how his mom "missed" talking to her. "I love her, but she always has a thousand questions for me whenever I see her. It's suffocating," Rebecca says.
Your plan: Keep her close, but not too close. Make a biweekly to monthly call or drop an email. Keep her on the periphery of personal matters. If she asks how work is, you can say it’s good, but you don’t have to tell her you’re thinking of quitting. You can tell her you saw a great movie, but don’t you need to tell her who you went with. If she starts drilling you, politely say, “That’s such a long conversation, and I actually have an appointment; maybe we can talk about it later?”
Law Number Five: Never criticize your spouse within earshot of his or her family
Want to get on your new family's bad side fast? Megan, a legal secretary who has been married less than a year, says, "Keep your mouth shut and grill him about it later. My mother-in-law still gives me the evil eye over the time I told my husband to stop acting like a toddler and get his own drink for dinner."
This is her baby you're talking about, and whether you're right or you're just plain cranky, your mother-in-law is not going to take criticism of her brood well. Save the wisecracks until after they leave or for the car ride home. It'll keep you looking like the darling daughter-in-law they know and love, and you can still keep your hubby in line. This will also keep you and your spouse from another dreaded argument. Who wants to be chastised in front of their mommy or daddy? Certainly not a wise old married person.
Law Number Six: Deal with your own
If something about your spouse’s family is really getting under your skin, chances are it'll sound better if your spouse is the one to sound off about it. David, a salesman who has been married three years, found he was always defending his wife to his mom because he let his wife do the dirty work. “Whenever my mom would schedule a last-minute get-together or plan a holiday dinner without asking us if we could come, I would chicken out and let my wife call and tell her we were annoyed,” says David. “Well, that plan backfired.”
Instead, Dave’s mom got increasingly annoyed with his wife, never realizing that Dave was the one calling the shots. It wasn’t until Dave started doing the dirty work himself that his wife got in his mom’s good graces again. Remember: You know how to handle your own parents. Whether it’s smooth-talking, a tiny present, or just the sight of their baby begging for help, anything negative is going to sound better coming out of your mouth instead of hers and vice versa. You did agree for better or worse -- we say go for better.