Kids love the holiday season; newlyweds, not so much. We're not trying to be Grinches, but celebrating with your new spouse and family can make once serene or celebratory gatherings feel oppressive. Bickering parents, eating too much (or not enough because the food is terrible), seeing your spouse act 13 again, shoving too many pricey gifts into the overhead bin, and trying to be everywhere at once are just a selection of complaints we heard from Nesties across the country. But it's possible to still enjoy yourself if you know how to navigate the holidays. Here's how you can be sure to feel the cheer.
The Stress: "We always end up blowing our holiday budget on gifts, not to mention the cost of travel or hosting friends."
The reason: Cash flow can be an enormous strain on a marriage at any old time of the year, but the burden gets beefed up when you have different ideas of how much should be spent…and on whom. And if one of you comes from a family where the best gift was a funny poem, socks and undies, or lotto tickets while the other has a subconscious contest for who spent the most moola, then you’ve only got more issues to resolve.
The fix: We get to talk about one of our favorite subjects yet again: the budget. We can only hope you do this in March, so you have nine whole months to save for December. But even if you don't, you need to sit down and draw up a quickie outline that includes each person you want to buy for and the highest price you'll spend for each, traveling rates, and the cost for hosting something at your place. Whittle down the gift list and reexamine price limits (we love the $20 gift swap). Encourage the family to do the same so that the person giving the iPod doesn't feel like a fool when he gets a scarf.
Next year, check in with your bank to see about setting up a special account to sock away money for gifts (make it an automatic debit).
The Stress: "I have great memories of perfect holidays, but lately they don’t meet my expectations."
The reason: You want these first holidays with your spouse to be the best ever. Instead, your dad makes off-color jokes, your brother-in-law is offended, you burn the bird, and conversation is lacking. And when these big days don't live up to your expectations, you get even more bummed out.
The fix: Tone down your fantasy. You're married, in love, and together. Does anything have to be more perfect?
Well, telling a dreamer to stop dreaming is easier said than done. You're going to have to go into the holiday expecting things to be different. But the key to getting some of what you want is to start talking ASAP. Tell each other what you're looking for from this holiday. (And be honest. "Being together" is a great answer, but we know you want a little more or you wouldn't be reading this.) Do you want to feel showered with presents, like your parents do for you? Or perhaps you love the romance of December, which just isn’t possible around his overly attached sister? Stress the hopeful, but realistic, goals you want from this season (don't include the annoying sister), and compromise on what can be done. Even if you can't do everything your mate wants, just knowing how he feels about all the family "togetherness" will help you respect his needs the next time your mom suggests another group sing-along.
But both of you should keep in mind that perfect holidays are totally fabricated. We know we've never had one, but we've sure had fun anyway!
The Stress: "There are so many people to please and so many feelings to protect that my spouse and I never get to do what makes us happy."
The reason: As newlyweds, you've probably not yet developed a solid sense of "we" or know how to assert it. You each have your own holiday history and are pulling and pushing toward your own family's values. The only real losers are the two of you, no matter how insulted your mom is that you don't want to break bread in her cramped apartment with 25 people.
The fix: Start your own traditions. We were overwhelmed by how many of you wanted to ditch the whole family to-do and spend a quiet holiday home alone. You don't need to go that extreme if it doesn't suit you, but please put your feelings first on a few occasions. Decide how celebrating will be the most meaningful to you as a couple -- not everyone else -- and then do something spontaneous, even if it means leaving the family dinner early so you can get some time alone. Want to invite friends over for cider? Great! Maybe some family too? Super! Dinner for two at the diner and an evening stroll past all of the decorated shop windows? Magnificent! These kinds of traditions are the hallmarks of a good marriage. You're a family now. Act like one!
The Stress: "If we get bumped from one more flight or sit for two more hours of traffic in a smelly rental car, I'll scream!"
The reason: Travel always comes with hassles, but they seem magnified when you're one of a zillion people trying to get somewhere at the same time. And if you don't want to hop a plane to see certain inherited relatives, even the personal in-flight TV with 30 channels won't make the trip worthwhile.
The fix: Not every journey is as pleasant as your honeymoon. Be realistic: This is one of the busiest times of year to travel, so anticipate traffic and delays, and allow for that in your schedule. Bring entertainment like Uno for a long flight, or make a special mix CD for the two of you to listen to during a car ride. Singing off-key is better than constant complaining. You can’t control delays, so don't let them control you. If the trip was particularly dreadful, sit and talk about alternatives for next year now so you can make other (better, closer) plans.
[Nestpert] Nili Sachs, PhD, a marriage and relationship therapist in Los Angeles and Minneapolis
by Grace Jidoun
7/1/08
See more:
couple issues,
Holiday,
Love/Sex