Politics. Religion. Sex. With any luck, these touchy subjects won't be coming up at your holiday dinner table. But before you even get to Aunt Josie's house this season, you newlyweds will have to handle an equally hot topic: who to celebrate with. Jane Greer, PhD, a marriage and family therapist in New York City, outlines four steps to figuring out a system -- without ending up in therapy.
Start Negotiations Early
Don't wait until the weekend before Thanksgiving to decide where you'll be eating your bird. Start at least a month before, if not right after you get married. This is a touchy subject, and you're going to need time to digest all options.
Decide on a Schedule
There are a lot of holidays (and years) to go around. First, figure out what days are a priority for you and your families. Like, if your sister is visiting from Alaska this Thanksgiving, you should celebrate with her. But if you both have the same fave days, you'll have to divvy them up. Here are some options: Switch years (her family's house for 2005; his for 2006); stick to a day (she always gets T-Day; he always gets Hanukkah); swap them (she gets New Year's this year; he gets it next); drive a lot (she gets the eve; he gets the day).
None of these ideas work for you? Invite everyone to your place and let them decide. Either way, pick your plan now, so you won't have to have this convo every year.
[Nest Note] Always check to make sure no one is spending a holiday alone. If your dad doesn't have any plans, take him with you.
Compromise Calmly
The fact that you might not drink Uncle Earl's eggnog at the family cabin this year makes you mad. Really mad. So if the tension rises as you hash out plans, get out pens and paper and vow to stay quiet. Then the two of you should list the pros and cons of spending each holiday at each place and then suggest an itinerary that respects both of your needs. Silently swap pads and read each other's notes, picking at least one thing you'll agree to. Stay mute until you've found a compromise.
Project a United Front
You're a team now, and deciding where to spend the holidays shouldn't be a power struggle. When breaking the bad news to your parents, don't bash your spouse's family or reason for going. Speak in terms of what "we" can do so "both of us are happy." And make sure to remind your parents when you'll be celebrating with them. This is a major step in learning to balance both your worlds to find a happy medium.
[Nest Note] Missing your favorite meal with your fam this year? Don't let your in-laws know you're bummed and let them think you're ungrateful. Arrive with a smile and a hug for everyone. Use this time to be appreciative that you have a spouse to share the holiday with -- no matter where you are. You can always try introducing your new family to one of your treasured traditions. Your father-in-law doesn't wear pilgrim hats? He does now!
by Grace Jidoun
6/19/08
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couple issues,
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