Learn to stop arguing about money so you can concentrate on real problems, like your pesky neighbors.

He buys round after round, she collects purses covered in Gs, LVs and D&Gs -- whatever. Before you fight with your spender, keep in mind that this habit often has nothing to do with money. The way you’re raised has a big impact on your money style, and it’s rarely just about the dollar bills. Some spenders grew up watching their parents struggle and refuse to deny themselves as adults. Some compulsive savers grew up in a similar situation and refuse to spend a dime they can’t get back. Whoever you are, discussing money issues during premarital and marital counseling -- whether you talk to a therapist, a minister, or a financial adviser -- it’s an essential process.

If one of you is a saver but the other is a spender, the only answer is to compromise. You’ve heard the C-word before, but a spender isn’t going to quit cold-turkey just like a saver isn’t likely to go on an unbudgeted shopping spree. So give the spender of your relationship some budgeted splurging money. This way you’ve planned for the habit in advance.

The next step is to agree to a spending limit that nobody can exceed without discussing it first -- neither of you can spend more than, say, $100 on any one item without a quick conversation about it. It’s not a matter of “granting permission� so much as holding to your common goals and, of course, avoiding surprises that might start unnecessary arguments. To that end, everything takes two "yeses" or one "no." You both have to agree on the purchase or nothing gets done -- getting a new TV, for example, takes two “yeses.� One “no� is enough to make both of you reconsider whether you really need a new living room rug when you just bought one six months ago.

Finally, don’t involve outsiders in your personal finances. Your money issues are between the two of you; anybody else who gets involved usually hears only one side of the story. If you’re struggling and need financial advice, talk to someone who can actually help you solve the problem -- a financial counselor, not your mamma or your best friend.

In some cases, your spouse’s debt may not be your obligation, but morally it always is, meaning you should have a stake in each other's financial lives. Think of it this way: If your spouse were seriously ill, would you expect him to handle it on his own? Of course not: You’d go with him to the doctor, help track his progress, and investigate the best treatments so he’d get well.

-- Siobhan Adcock

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