Some sex advice is undeniably true (example: “Stay awake.”). But as women’s magazines churn out wackier ideas like, “Run ice cubes down his legs,” a quest for variety has led to absurdity. The mags say, “He’ll Love This!” Do we? Here’s what guys really think about the tips in those “50 Moves to Turn Him On” articles.
Advice: Laugh -- it makes sex more fun
You know what’s funny? Will Ferrell movies. You know what’s not funny? Being laughed at while we’re trying to make you feel good (or maybe even testing out a new technique). Even if you think you’re just being playful, all we hear is “HA HA HA,” which is enough to make us paranoid that our sack skills are, well, laughable. Sex is fun enough without the forced soundtrack.
Advice: Ambush him
Sure, spontaneity is sexy…especially if you sneakily join us in the shower or come to bed wearing lacy lingerie (or nothing at all). But there’s a big difference between a sexy surprise, such as being woken up by some soft kisses “down there,” and opening our eyes to find you clutching our balls.
Advice: Act like strangers
Don’t get us wrong -- we love the mystery of our first time with you. But that doesn’t mean that one, two, or three years into the relationship we want to relive it. We really don’t want to meet you at a bar, ask for your number, and seduce you back at our place. That’s what dating was for. Here’s the best role-playing game: You take on the role of the woman, we’ll take on the role of the man, and our “game” is to have hot sex.
Advice: Scream like a porn star
Dirty talk is hot. Bad acting, however, is not. This might be hard to swallow (hee hee), but we men are not as dumb as we look. Okay, so maybe we can’t always spot when you’re faking, but we know something’s off when you suddenly shriek, “Yes, yes, yes! Give it to me, cowboy!” Seriously, it’s insulting. (Genuine moaning and telling us how good we feel, on the other hand, is completely encouraged.)
Advice: Heat things up with hot wax
Great idea! Nothing says a good time like second-degree burns. I’m not sure which magazine (or ’90s music video) first started dishing this gem of an idea, but for whatever reason, it’s taken off -- and now we guys are stuck shielding our package from vanilla-scented candles.
Advice: Spice things up with food
I like to eat. I like to have sex. Rarely do I enjoy both simultaneously. Even food that is sexy in theory -- like, say, honey -- is not so sexy in reality. I’m into you, but I don’t want to stick to you.
Advice: Guys love toys -- so use ’em
Sure, sometimes we’re up for a little something extra in the sack. But that doesn’t mean we want you to whip out a whole box full of beads, wands, and random vibrating contraptions that are potentially illegal in 17 states. I don’t care how “good” it may feel -- a set of battery-powered lips is kind of scary.
Advice: Melt him with ice cubes
Two words: Shrink. Idge. Which is not something any guy wants. Do not put ice anywhere near it. Ever.
Jeff Wilser is the author of The Maxims of Manhood and the editor of ThePlunge.com.
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