Ever wish they made mother-in-law muzzles? (Us too.) Until that day comes, here's how to respond to those barbs she's throwin':
MIL: "Oh, you're looking so...healthy [i.e., fat]!"
What you want to say: "So do you, heifer!"
What you should say: "Thank you! I feel great." If she keeps saying it, you can take her aside and say something like, "I'm sure you don't mean to hurt my feelings, but I feel a little self-conscious now." This should end the discussion.
MIL: "Hmm...that's not the way we make chicken."
What you want to say: "That's because yours sucks."
What you should say: "I'd love for you to try mine this time, if you don't mind." If you'd love one less thing to do and would rather end her critique than argue, say, "Would you
like to make it this time? I could use some help."
MIL: "That's his favorite. Trust me, I've known him a long time."
What you want to say: "So have I!"
What you should say: "You're probably right. He has all kinds of secrets I haven't learned yet." This shows her that you're not trying to take over (even if you are). It should also end her bragging, since you've kindly reminded her that you're not competing.
MIL: "Is that how you're wearing your hair now?"
What you want to say: "Don't get me started on your hairspray hive."
What you should say: "Yes, [insert name of spouse] loves it." Say it nicely and your assertiveness might nip her rude comment in the bud -- you won't sound rude either.
MIL: "You buy each other really extravagant gifts."
What you want to say: "Of course you'd say that...you're cheap."
What you should say: "We love each other. This is one of the ways we show it." Smile with confidence, and her comment will just turn into background noise.
MIL: "Don't treat/talk to my son/daughter that way."
What you want to say: "Um, last time I checked, you weren't his wife."
What you should say: If she's seen you in an argument, say, "I don't like fighting either, and I'm especially sorry that you had to see it." This ends the discussion and holds your spouse just as accountable for the spat as you are. Or say in a genuine manner, "What am I doing that's upsetting you?" And listen to her answer. If you discover that a behavior pushes her buttons, don't do it -- it'll spare you mucho grief.
Nestperts Tina B. Tessina, PhD, author of It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction, and women's lifestyle expert Harriette Cole
More in-law advice:
>> Mother-in-laws uncensored
>> Weekend survival kit: Hosting the in-laws
>> 5 In-law issues solved
-- Judy Koutsky
See More: Couple Issues , Family & In-Laws , Love & Sex
62488014 
Mrs. Panda Holland
As a reply to: craimo2: I think whenever you MIL directs her questions to your husband that you should ask him if you can answer and when you answer say "We" instead of "I". When I want to answer something for my husband I put my hand on his knee or shoulder to get his attention and he knows that I feel strongly about my answer. No matter what I say he backs me up, even if later I learn that he didn't completely agree. We never let his family or my family see that we are out of sync unless they as our individual answers.
62486737 
tracbabe15
My MIL got into a fight with her son and said that I was just someone off the side of the road and that he is picking me over his family....I didn't no what to say back to that... so I didn't say anything... now I won't talk to his family because I am hurt... By the way I have been with him for 6 yrs. and engaged for 5yrs. Married for a couple of months...I have been with him through everything... so I don't understand where she can come up with that...
62486727 tracbabe15
My MIL got into a fight with her son and said that I was just someone off the side of the road and that he is picking me over his family....I didn't no what to say back to that... so I didn't say anything... now I won't talk to his family because I am hurt... By the way I have been with him for 6 yrs. and engaged for 5yrs. I have been with him through everything... so I don't understand where she can come up with that...
62333391 
ashleynicnb
this is hitting close to home! i would like an extended version, or an updated version to come. there are a lot of strange things that come out of my MIL's mouth. she means well most of the time but she can be very rude sometimes and overstep her boundaries.
62329191 
Carrie3102
I need mroe articles like this. My MIL to be drives me nuts. When my fiance and I moved into our new house, she came in and took over, telling me where to put things blah, blah, blah. Then they stayed for the first 5 days we were in the house. She painted my bathroom yellow (i didn't want it yellow). She did it at 2 am when I get up for work at 4. Woke me up, p*ssd me off so I went to work at 2. ugh... and he works nights, so he wasn't there... I could go on forever.
62327132 
kstaff
So glad I got this email today...my fiance wants his mother to move into our new house that is being built, and he didn't even ask me first!! I feel like he would pick his mom over me and I don't know what to do.
62169572 
lirby711@gmail.com
I agree with JJcer8...we need one for SIL's. My MIL is always sweet to me. Just wish sometimes she would let her son and I deal with things now that we are married and how our own life. He is a grown up now and she still tries to butt into things sometimes.
62149815 
kdunevant
p.s. my DH's aunt is AMAZING!!! I wish she was my MIL lol. His mom knows this too, and is extremely unhappy with my great relationship with her sister. His Aunt has been a SAINT from the day we first met. I love her! My MIL told my husband I needed to accept her friend request on Facebook because she needs to know what we are doing all the time. Apparently, my aunt-in-law told my MIL how we had a great time last weekend, and she was "in the dark" about our plans and that was unacceptable. HAHAHAHAHA
62149776 kdunevant
I feel like I am reading my own thoughts and words with what you guys are saying about your MIL's!!! Ours has def. brought up some fights because my DH didn't realize how much of a witch she is. I finally stood up to her and she finally gave in and started complaining to my DH about me. He doesn't want to hear it and stands up for me. He didn't used to though!! I want nothing to do with this evil woman and she tells him he needs to make me forgive her..... keep dreaming lady.
61775462 
Ladi504
Ml can definitely be snakes in the grass. I have one, but it is ok, because the feelings are mutual. That way, we both handle each other with distance and respect. I dont want to be her friend,and her son has been blinded by her manupulation all his life,(youngest of 5 boys,no sisters).Things can get ugly,but I keep her out of my household.
61613313 
JJcre8
Is there a list like this for jealous SIL's? My MIL is actually ok, it's the SIL that's my nightmare!
61578429 
nicolealia
Not one of these advice tips apply to me and my in-laws... Thank God!!!! I guess i got lucky!!!!!! :) :) :)
61463032 
daisyh3115
wow these are some nasty things MIL say! The only problems I might have are that my FI is too attached to THEM. And they've always told him what to do and he does it. But overall, they're wonderful people!
61422092 
Dave&Jami
wow. I guess I am really lucky that I actually get along with my FMIL better than my own mother. I don't have any of these issues, and for that I am sooooo thankful!
61419652 
aurorapaisley
ha, my FMIL does the shoulder rubbing and hugging thing too! it is weird especially in front of me. she definitely does it in front of me on purpose, kind of like she is letting me know that she can still be his mommy and he can be her little boy. it's annoying! luckily we will be moving across the country soon!
61419491 
delishustorment
Guys know exactly what their moms are doing, trust me. If you freak out they just get uncomfortable because they can't change their moms, and if you try to make them choose between you & mom you will definitely open a nasty little void. Whoever wins at that, everyone loses. I say ignore the icky little jabs, or smile knowingly at your hubby. If he sees you are acting like a grown-up and she sees her barbs are having no effect (or making her look petty) she will probably stop. Reacting to her makes her feel important and gives her a feeling of power. Don't let it fry you and you will win!
61419396 
ebonath
Ohh this makes me feel so much better. My friends get worried for me when I complain about future MIL. Thank goodness they live a couple hours away. Craimo - I have the same thing happening with me about his mom only addressing him in conversations. We just bought a house, and it's "his house" never our house even when I'm right there. "AL, do you want this for your house?" "This would look good in Al's house." And the things are hideous anyway... so then I have to figure how to say no.. haha why must it be this way?!
61384414 
Magan23
dnm200, do what my sister-in-law did. Anytime her MIL mentioned babies she would delay it a year. She set that rule and not one PEEP came from her until my SIL was ready ;)
61357269 
ash&david
this kind of seems like it would show her that you will give in. i was hoping for something a little more edgy.
61098791 
craimo2
CarrieLauren - my FI's mother does that kind of thing as well. When he is around, she is nice to me and has kind words, when he is not, she has harsher words for me. When I tell him about what she has said, he says "shes only kidding" but i know she isnt...she also completely interrupts me when him and I are speaking to one another, and when we are all three (or four if his father is there) are having conversation, his mother will only address him with questions or comments, making me feel invisible and like I can not contribute to the conversation. Anyone have any adivse??? PLEASE
60720296 
StageGirl
I would love to see an article on dealing with our FIL's!!! My MIL is a very sweet individual, who has really perfected the art of knowing when to speak and when not too. It's my FIL that I can't stand; it seems everything we say or do starts him off on a lecture about our lifestyle, even when we've already tried to make it clear that it's OUR life!
60646513 
unicec04
I know right!! my FIL is soo rude sometimes and then turns super nice! Weird sometimes I just wanna tell him something but my hubby tells me to ignore him! oh and the MIL she is way tooo attached! It's so uncomfortable when Im with DH and she goes and starts rubbing his shoulders or putting her hand on his leg or around his arm!! Its like you have your own husband!! what do i do?!
60513200 
CarrieLauren
I think these are good, but honestly IDK if the comments would stop until the son said something. My MIL says these rude sarcastic comments to me in a "joking" tone so my husband thinks she's joking, but I KNOW she isn't. When I tell him later that it hurts my feelings, or when recently she made me cry in front of him, he just says she's joking. I told him she isn't and it will never stops until he stands up for me and tells her that she needs to respect me as his wife. We just had another discussion about it last night...I hope it works. Oh, she also likes to massage his shoulders and feet when we're at their house...to me it's SO weird and something I do for him. He says in his family it isn't weird. But to me, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. UGH
60175409 
SilverUnicorn
dnm200...I can totally relate. We've recently discovered we were infertile and my ML has completely flipped out because we've decided not to persue other options. She said it was a disappointment and a sad day for her family. Quite frankly, we're looking forward to our life alone together. Now we don't have to share our time more than we want to and can get up and go when we feel like it. Hang in there...Hopefully you'll have some neices and nephews to take the pressure off you!
60060312 
bridetobe6808
my MIL feeds off my husband. If he uses kind and uplifting words, she treats me with respect. If he says something negative towards me than his mom follows suit. I talked to him and told him that around his mother I need him to always be sweet to me, even if he is upset with me about something. He now knows that if he needs to tell me something that isn't going to be positive, we talk in private, away from his momma.
59986321 
leefong06
i am just glad my future MIL doesn't speak much english. doesn't stop her from not liking me, tho.
59968690 
futuremrs.cowan
cstader, the entire time I have been thinking that it was my SIL & MIL but I called my SIL one day & we talked for hrs. That's when we realized that along that it was the MIL coming between us. So now we will laugh it off when my MIL try to get trouble started.
59968678 futuremrs.cowan
How should u deal w/ a jealous MIL? We just bought our 1st home & in every room that we did some upgrades, she would say something to try and "out shine" us. But not one time did she congratulate her son or tell him that she was proud of him. So I make it a point to praise him in front of her and then she will say something nice about him. For some reason my husband secretly want approval from her, which is understandable, it's his mom.
59935503 
cstader
What about your sister-in-law....
59930450 
lishylouroo
I totally agree with you dnm200 about the cutting the cord bit. I've been having a lot of trouble in that area recently......
59926273 
dnm200
This would have been much more helpful if it had said something like how to get your Monster-in-Law to not be so obsessive over something that doesn’t exsist (IE “her Grand-babies”.) I’ve had her verbally threaten me over children my husband and I aren’t sure we even want to have. Oh, and maybe how to cut the cord from your son… that would also be quite helpful in the next issue!
58955867 
Mrs. Bean
Haha! These are all probably much, um, sweeter than I would be :) Thankfully my MIL is a relatively non-confrontational person. I don't think she would ever have the guts to say anything negative towards me.
57990152 
cneidertusa
Or what about when your MIL says something like, "Don't you think you'd like to wear black? It's so much more slimming on you."
57973592 
katm12981
Thanks for these tips. What do you say though, when your MIL is completely out of line? Over Thanksgiving she actually said "Did someone punch you in the face? Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realize those were dark circles under your eyes." When it's an outright attack like that, I have no idea what to say and it has made me extremely anxious about having to spend time with her this Christmas.
57973565 
Dasguptah
Beautiful advice! This year we made it clear a few weeks in advance that we would spend either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day with the family and spend the other day, just the two us. The beautiful thing...we let them decide which day was more important to them. Making the plans in advance really helped us have peace of mind!