New spouse, new name, new home, and oh yeah, a new family (ugh!). How to deal...

what do you do if your father-in-law chooses to ignore boundaries; he knows exactly what he's doing, too. my fiance and i have literally caught him (w/his neice) snooping through our room. also, due to certain circumstances, my fiance and i are now living alone in a house his parents bought as an investment property; his father thinks this gives him the right to come over without calling first (if we miss his call, he'll still show up at our front door, even though he lives an hour anda half away). and when he comes here, he goes room by room; if i don't follow him, he probably would go through our drawers and closets. my father-in-law has also been asking for copies of our house keys; my fiance kept refusing to give it to him, so the next time his father took my fiance's car in to service it for him, he took his house key and made a copy of it.

OMG Mine haaates me, apparently for the reason that I stole away her oldest son. My bad. But she tries to act all nicey in front of him, so that he doesn't realize that she hates me so much. He thinks she is trying really hard and just doesn't really understand me or know me that well, but she is being totally manipulative! Drives me nuts. If I say something to him about it, he doesn't even think it's an issue! It makes me so frustrated that I really want nothing to do with her, but that's probably not going to solve anything either! ughhhh Keep them away.

Oh My! Yes... my Mother in Law and I do not get along AT ALL. My husband has a 3 year old daughter and instead of respecting our home, our rules... MIL brings bags of candy to the little one every time she comes over. My opinion is that she is trying to buy her love because she is truly a frightning woman and my step-daughter does not like her very much. She also keeps on promising our little girl a KITTEN! HELLO!!!! I'M ALLERGIC!!!!! So the poor little baby cries everysingle time the dumb woman is on the phone or comes over because we keep saying that she can't have the cat the old bat has promised her!

My issue is the "wanting to get to know me on a deeper level" concept. I have known my fiance since I was 15, and have been attending family gatherings and such for a few years. The family (including my FMIL) all seem to get along with me really well. But then there's the 8am conversation of, "What is your view on G-d and the Universe?". I haven't had my coffee yet! When I try to say things like, "I don't feel comfortable talking about that" or, "I don't think this is a good time to discuss it," it seems to fall on deaf ears. I find that she pushes and pushes until I have to talk about it. It usually ends when I walk away (often crying) or when she and my hubby to be get in a huge argument over "why he feels the need to protect me all the time" (she's somewhat of a feminist) or "why he doesn't want me to have any kind of real relationship with her." I've started talking less and less and need some way to stop things without stopping conversation completely. HELP!

liesl6@gmail.com- I am in the same position. My husband as a result of his mother's behavior toward me no longer speaks to his mother. She was great in the beginning and as time went on she showed her true colors. MY MIL has issues with everyone from her family to her friends and neighbors. She's just one of those people that are so unhappy they can't get along with anyone. I don't think you have to have a relationship with your MIL. I know it's hard because she is the mother of your husband, but you don't want your MIL ruining your marriage. Since we decided that my MIL is too toxic for us to be around our lives have been so much better. So I hope your husband understands. He can continue to have a relationship with her if he chooses, but you don't have to continue to be insulted by her.

A lot of where this sort of behaviour stems from is fear of being alone on the part of the MIL. My MIL has been lovely to me but I know she has had some of these feelings as well and I have seen friends really suffer with huge MIL issues. This woman has spent her whole life dedicated to raising the man you are now marrying. The thought for her that all of a sudden all of his attention and affection will now be moved over to another woman (i.e. you!) who in her mind hasn't invested as much in that man's life (she's been there when he was sick, changed his nappies, comforted him when other kids were mean etc etc) is a really painful and lonely experience. The best thing to do is right from the start when things are turning to the more serious make the effort to spend a little bit of time alone with her asking about her interests and letting her know that she is gaining a daughter not losing a son, that way she doesn't need to be afraid of losing him and start acting up. If that doesn't work and things get out of hand, point out to her that you are planning to bring her grandchildren in the future and want her to play a big part in their lives but she is making that very difficult, that should help her get the message that there is a good reason why should needs to try and play nice. But also remember - you'll be in her shoes one day when your kids grow up and want to marry so try and imagine how she must feel and treat her how you would like to be treated by the future wife of your own son when the time comes.

unfortunately none of these advices was able to help me out with the in laws. sometimes you can't change narrow narcissist minded people. i try over and over again, marriage counseling, personal couseling, trying everything i do, taking advice left to right to make ammends with the in laws, and their response, "you're just not good enough for our son and us... "

RicaBabe... that's my life. He sees nothing knows nothing and always thinks I'm over-reacting.

omg, i'm really glad to hear everybody's side of the story. My husband and I have decided to spend this christmas with my side of the family. When my MIL heard about this, she went crazy and got upset, saying that christmas is THEIR family tradition, that she's not asking for thanksgiving, easter, or any other holiday, except for Christmas. She's saying that when I married my husband I'm agreeing to all of their traditions, and if I didnt like it then we shouldnt have gotten married in the first place, etc. I just think it's not fair for us to be spending EVERY christmas with them...I have my side of the family too. My husband agrees with me on this and he wants to experience how we celebrate the holidays. we just have to be firm on our decision, not everybody's going to agree with us on this.

At first, my husbands mom really liked me. The second we said we were engagned (granted I was still a freshman in college, he was a sophomore) she hated me. It got to the point where they would call and scream at him along with his grandma!! We had been together 3 years at that point and dated long distance before attending the same college. Because they said that either he breaks up with me or loses all their monetary support, he hasn't spoke to them since. The cord has to be cut sometime. I feel the husband has a responsibility to say to his mom "I have a wife now, she's the most important thing in my life, just like you were in dad's life once you got married." If he continues to take his mom's side over yours, then something needs to be addressed. I'm not saying it has to be as extreme as my husband (still hasn't talked to them 3 years later), but now your relationship needs to be more important than the one between him and his parents. My parents have accepted that we are now our own family and need to start our own traditions, such as Thanksgiving at our house which has been great. To those who have great relationships with their in-laws, congrats!

Yeah!! I'm not the only one! Like many of you, I married the oldest boy....and while we were dating, she was great. A little pushy, but manageable. As soon as we got engaged and were planning the wedding - all hell broke loose. At the same time, I was job hunting and got a fantastic job 4 provinces away. Well from that point on, NOTHING was acceptable. We didn't ask for her advice, we didn't have the wedding where she wanted it, we didn't let her invite all of her friends (the wedding venue held 50 people max), we weren't willing to spend all of our holidays with her....and the list goes on! I really got to hear her wrath because I am not changing my last name, I'm moving her son 4 provinces away, and of course there will be no pitter-patter of little feet 9 months exactly after the wedding. I have found that biting my tongue and talking to my husband about it. It took him 2 years to finally notice her bad behaviour, but I now finally have him on my side. That's the biggest thing - get him on your side because he will have an easier time talking to her about her bad behaviour. Good luck!

My FMIL still loves my fiances ex gf. They broke up 3 years ago, but she lives next door to my MIL's house!!!! They hang out, have tea, chit chat. My boyfriend moved 4 hours away to be with me and my MIL is upset we're "too far away." We have dreams of living in other countries, traveling, etc. While family is an important priority and we see them once a month, we just simply can't live next door, visit every single holiday for the entire break, and chat on the phone every time we do something. She also expects us to drive down to see them and stay during all our time off. It's unrealistic and I'm so thankful my fi values my wishes and family as well. If your man is not on your side and you are not his priority, it is going to be an uphill battle the entire time. My advice is to make sure your relationship is the most important before you even talk about the family-in-law issues!

Wow. I'm so thankful that I enjoy gabbing with my sister in law on the phone and my mother in law is like the best friend I never had!

So my fiance and his sister are EXTREMELY close. Since his mom lives in another country, she is priority number one in his book along with her kids. Not bad you're thinking.... well recently, actually 3 days before Christmas, we went to visit them (6 hours away). when we got there she completely snubbed me and then waited until my fiance left for a little while to have a "chat" with me... She proceeded to tell me that I am not welcomed in their family and because I showed up, I have ruined her kids and her's Christmas. After a good hour of completely disrespecting me, I tried to take the higher road and told her that I was sorry she felt that way but we were going to have to find a way to work things out for her brothers sake (family is veryyy important to him)...she said no to every suggestion I had. Said "No, I don't like you." My hands were tied so when he came back (5 hours after arriving) we left and drove back home-his call, not mine. I wanted to stay and work things out but he was just too upset. now that almost a month has passed I have tried to talk about this with my fiance and he still will not verbally admit that his sister was wrong.He said I have to try harder!! UGHH!!!! me?!?!?!?!....she cannot do wrong in his book. what am i supposed to do? I have my pride too...

IN LAWS argggh! More like out laws. The first two years for me were super trying. In fact I was contemplating moving back to the US ( I live in scotland, my husband is scottish.) But patience is key, things get easier, things tend to not bother you as much. Especially if you can see your out laws as moody teenagers, I find that seeing things as such not only extends my compassion to them but it also empowers me and helps me get control of my emotions (usually rage and defiance lol)

I'm about to check myself into a crazy house!!!!! my mil is driving me crazy. she lost her husband 6 years ago and has done nothing since. She expects DH to do everything. she lives in a in-law with us and calls the house first thing in the morning and as soon as she sees us coming home at night. she doesn't even wait for us to get settled in. if we do not answer the phone she screamms like someone is killing her on our answering machine. monday we both had the day off and had people over for super bowl and decided to sleep in on monday...but couldn't due to his mother!!!!!!! she called us 30 times that day.....and its not to talk its to demand things and complain and order DH around. I just do not know what to do anymore.......I'm starting to really not like her.......and I can not fake it....DH is going crazy too but hates it when I complain about her.....we are trying to have a baby and mil keeps asking when....I would like to say if you stop calling or demanding DH to do everything for you maybe we would have time for sex......please help

I have only been married for 2 months and my sister in law came to visit for 20+ days..... We live in a 1 BDRM/LOFT, modern, with no doors or walls.... IT WAS A NIGHTMARE!!!!!!! Needless to say it was during the East Coast Snowstorm so we were really seeing each other's faces for 6 days non-stop. Some people told me not to say anything to my husband because he might get offended....but I really want this to stop this from happening again....

We had similar were my hubbys mom would call and say she was bring somebody by to see the work the had done on the house. One day i was in a rush and the house wasnt up to her unnatural standers she got mad but stopped needles to say we dont have the best relationship

We have a rule, that if people don't call first (and we'll do the same for them) we don't get together. Someone just shows up? We're automatically unavailable. We don't pop in on others either. As for the vatation one, Hubby and I, and Mom and step-dad are thinking of going up to Montreal together next Easter. They are thinking of staying at a relative's house, we are getting a hotel.

When my FI and I were living in a different city an hour away from our familys, his made plans to come up for the day and visit. This was great, it was going to be a fun day with shopping and the like with his mom, dad, and sister. We were told she would be at our apartment at 10am. He got a phone call at 9 just after we had woken up. She was outside, demanding to be let in. He said no since we hadn't even had coffee yet and she was an hour early. A normal person would have gone to the coffee shop down the street to wait, instead she proceeded to scream at him over the phone. She called him a horrible person, and me a b*tch. His mother called immediately after this to also scream at him for being a horrible person for not letting his sister in. They then refused to speak to us for several months. All because we wanted time to get dressed and have breakfast. Now that we are engaged, both of them are all chummy, as if it never happened. It makes me wonder what the next pretend slight will be that sets them off.

My MIL has made it very clear that she has absolutely NO regard for boundaries. My husband has asked her several times to call before coming over, and I finally had to remind her to respect this boundary. She told me she will not respect our wishes to call first because she “is a spontaneous person” and will not “change who she is”. She told me that part of being a home-owner is having people come over, so I have to “deal with it”. She creeps around our back windows looking if we’re there, and goes to my friend’s house next door looking for me. How do I back her off? She is SO passive-aggressive that I can’t even take her. She is a single parent who is obsessively co-dependent on her 30+ year old son. HELP!

the movie i love this seems to sound like is monster in law omg it sums it up .

My mother in law lives three hours away. We go down to visit every other weekend. She calls my husband multiple times a day, and of course that is understandable, but when we actually are home alone together and she knows it she will text him and if he doesnt respond or responds w/ a to the point reply, she calls. DH will ask my opinion on something to do with OUR money or OUR house or OUR bills, but he always asks his mama's advice either before or after asking me. So I get to hear the "well my mama thinks we should/should not do this". I am so tired of it! AND he wants to move down to his hometown and be 5 min away from her even though he complains about how she acts when we are around them!!!! I can only imagine what it will be like!!!!

Wow. It is so comforting to know I am not the only one who struggles with this! We have only been married since January 2009, but dated for four years before that. My husband's parents (especially his dad) are so controlling and have to keep tabs on what we do with our money, time, etc. constantly! It is very difficult to deal with, and lately I have found it hard to not say anything to them as the stalking and life-directing just gets worse. They even boss my parents around! We are going on a week-long vacation with them soon and I am desperate to find a way to deal and not spoil my husband's break from work! Help!

how about when your husband is becoming an entreprenuer and opening a business with his brothers and their wives, and when a meeting is held you are completely excluded? i posted how much i hated that on FB and now the entire family is shunning me.

My mother-in-law and I had a great relationship until the wedding. She had made demands that I display a caricature she had done for us. My husband looked like Jay Leno and it didn't suit our decor. She purchased two sets of cake toppers after we had already told her we were using flowers. One was a salt and pepper weenie dog bride and groom set and the other was a rubber ducky bride and groom set! After the wedding she has started making comments about how she isn't ready for grand kids. We have decided we aren't going to talk about kids until we are both our of college which is another 2 years. Every chance she gets she makes a comment like " you have my permission to wait on having kids" or "I'm glad my son got involved in scouts again so he can get his kid fix and not have to have you have them." I can't wait to move farther away from her! She truly has become my monster-in-law!

I forgot to mention in my post above: My FIL is an atheist and has not spoken to his own MIL since the day he met her because she is religious and, upon meeting him, said "now you can come to church with us!" This is over 30 years he refuses to talk to her. I'm scared the same will happen to me.

Well, risking being ripped to shred's by some of the more conservative brides here...My partners Mother (soon to be in-law) not only hates me but she hates who I am and what I stand for. I've been in this same sex relationship for 4 years. I count myself lucky since I am the one who my partner felt she could spend the rest of her life with, and having lived in the closet for over 20 years finally came out to her mother because of me. I didn't push, in fact I never said anything. But once she came out her mother treats me like a nice little puppy who she just placates because she has no idea how else to treat me. We recently went on a week long family vacation, I actually felt things were turning around and she was getting used to the idea, to then later find out she was "acting" the whole time and she is even more uncomfortable than ever since we started discussing children. What gets me is I believed things were going to be ok. Now, I don't want anything to do with her and I don't want her around my (possible) children, if she cant accept her own daughter and her life partner.

This article horrifies me and I have far less respect for this site. You are perpetrating the old stereotype of "surviving" FMIL. Well, in my case the MOG is a great friend and is one of the most supportive people for our wedding. She is one of the nicest people I've ever met and I feel lucky to have her in my life. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

I knew I was lucky but I can't believe that some of these families are acting like this. Future Father in law taught me to shoot last week and mom had dinner ready when we got back! Best of luck with these sticky situations!

Wow, Sarabeth, I feel so sorry for you. I only thought that kind of behavior happend in the movies!! Really, she sobbed?! My only issues with my man, is that he has an uncle (on his mom's side) that comes to stay with us...but it's not like a day or two, its for two, three weeks to even a month!! And it's not just that he is here, it is that he has to be EVERYWHERE we are at the same time, so I get 0 time with my man. He also has social problems, like gawking at every single woman that walks by, going out to dinner with him is always embarrassing for me because I know that the wait staff gets uncomfortable, when I was bartending, he would make my co-workers feel uncomfortable, too. Then he has an aunt, that when we first moved in together, would come over and clean our house, going through ALL of my drawers (even my 'private one') and do our laundry and do all the things that were suppossed to be MY responsibilities. We finally moved somewhere else, and I made it pretty clear that I was not going to have anyone there trying to be 'helpful'. But, as I sit here and say that, his Unlce is standing 10 feet away! AAHH when will these damn in-laws go away?!?

My soon to be Step FIL is really a grouch, constantly has nothing nice to say to me and always brings up how young I am, as if its a bad thing. My awesome sweetie has said that if he does it one more time we are going to just get up and walk right out, after some choice words on his part. I feel like I'm heaping it all on him, but he has said that he understands my frustration and wants to take care of it.

I guess I'm pretty lucky on this matter. My FMIL always wanted a girl to buy clothes for and spoil, but she had two boys, so she loves me. I try hard to keep that up, too, helping them clean up when I'm over, bringing baked goodies. My FFIL is just grateful that my FI is settling down with someone, and that I'm "normal" on top of that. I suppose it helps that we speak different languages, too. I always tell people that we like each other in the "I don't understand what you're saying" way.

Note to my first comment- My fiance doesn't like his own mother, so when she makes me mad, it's okay to talk crap about her, so that's good at least [=

At the beginning of our relationship all of his family loved me. I even moved in with just his parents so I didn't have to worry about rent during student teaching. Then his brother's girlfriend started changing his brother and when I pointed out that I was going to put up with their crap and their lying, he decided to turn everything against me. He went through all of my stuff when I wasn't there one weekend. He then told my fiance's parents that I was feeding my fiance full of lies to separate him from his family. They believed every word of it! So they now hate me...everyone in his family...and I had to move out and be homeless for a day. I got lucky and found a place to stay. But now none of them support our relationship...they refuse to talk to me and refuse to come to the wedding until I apologize for what I have done. HAHAHA I am not going to apologize because all I have done is love their son/brother. I couldn't care less if they were at the wedding or not. I dont want people like that there anyway. What they dont understand is that while I was living there, he was forced to come home more often, hence they got to see him more. Now that they forced me away, he comes to where I'm currently staying rather than going to their house. Their loss. My advice to others out there: dont put up with someone's shit. If they dont like you for who you are and for doing the right thing, then you dont need them and hopefully your fiance sees that too. I'd rather have someone hate me for doing the right thing and being honest than do the wrong thing just so someone will like me.

For the most part I get along with my inlaws, I just feel like his family and my family are polar opposites. We just have nothing in common and they love me and love spending time with us and I just have a hard time with it because we don't like to do/eat/talk about the same things. It makes me feel horrible because I should be happy that my inlaws have welcomed me into their family so well it's just that I'm having issues with actually wanting to be a part of their family. I love my fiance but he is nothing like his family and it's hard to deal with.

Mallory I am in the same situation. We've been married 2 weeks now. We started dating December 2008. We have lived together since May 2009. My husband is truck driver and he is home 4 days a month. That's it. No more, no less. It is difficult at times because I miss him terribly, and want him to come home, but there is truly no occupations in our area for people without a trade or degree (with the exception of walmart) So it makes things rough. I wouldn't say his mom hates me, but she does not express liking me at all. She didn't talk to me at the rehearsal or wedding until they left the wedding and all she said was 'well i guess we are leaving.' His dad hasn't really said negative things about me, but he always demeans our choices. We chose Dodge over Ford (this was wrong), we like outback steakhouse (terrible waste of money according to his dad), we bought a new upgraded home 2 miles from my job (we didn't buy a broke down farm 10 minutes from his house). his sister started a royal battle because he wouldnt give her his car, so his mom borrowed it and some how his sister ended up driving it and wrecking it. I try my best to be positive and include them in the things we do as often as possible, but sometimes I just want to sit at home and spend time with HIM... not his family/ my family.... Just US. I like to say I don't care if i ever have to deal with them, but he loves his family and wants to have a good relationship with them and it kills me because it's not quite as perfect as he'd like. My parents treat him like a son, and his family strains themselves to conversate with me. Last year his nephew came up to be at Thanksgiving and said 'Do you know my mom hates you?' all i could say is "well that's not very nice to hate people, is it?" What else do you say to a 7 year old? I feel bad about the relationship all around.

Thank goodness - my fiance's family probably won't do any of this.. I hope!

My MIL is what my husband calls "A Nagging Machine". I call her "A Nagging, Guilt-Tripping, Snake" (he doesn't know though) :-D She doesn't have any friends because she can't keep any. All of the ladies her age are my friends. So, when she tries to trash talk me with the people she calls "her friends" they all stand up for me. She'll always treat people like trash and then try to buy them out. Every time she does that with my husband and I, we just ignore her or try to stop going over until she relaxes. I think it’s her age. She’s always complaining about everything and everyone. She’s always the victim. Nobody can treat her nicely because she accuses them of being gold-diggers. IT’S EXHAUSTING! Gosh, I feel it for AAALLLL those women out there who are going through a crazy MIL OR even those genuinely nice MIL that have a crazy DIL (I've seen that too!). Ladies, we’re here for you! XXOO

What happens when you MIL asks for money often?! How do you approach a super sensitive topic like that?

Every time we go to our inlaws they want to know why we don't live closer and drop hints about us moving there. My husband and I are very happy where we live, we have great jobs and enjoy what our area has to offer. We really live halfway between both families. It seems that my inlaws want me to forget that I have parents and grandparents and just live right with them. How can we address this issue?

In the beggining when my husband and I were first dating my mother-in-law very openly hated me. Her friend had her convinced I was to young and a tramp to be dating her oldest son. But after a year and half I worked my way in her heart we had a good almost bff relationship but now that she is remarried and her younger sons are recently engaged she has completely cut me off even my husband feels she is cold toward both of us. I was unset that I couldn't understand what I could have done but my future sister inlaws dont really care for me and you could say its mutal ever since they were in the picture my mother-in-law has been very difficult to get along with she is not so much mean as she is indiffernet. Her new husband is very inviting. Her and my husband have always been close to a fault but she has moved on now to her younger sons and future daughter inlaws.. I think I have been replaced.

Help!! I have been married for two months... the first month was amazing (mother in law visited family) and now she is back and driving me crazy!! I am a neat freak and she is the polar opposite!! She leaves food out to rot, gunky water in the sink, where things fall they are left and she stacks dirty dishes on clean dishes!! I really don't know what to do. I dom't want to involve my husband (she is his mother after all and blood is thicker than water), I don't want to moan to friends (I don't want to be THAT friend) and I really don't want to keep it to myself anymore (It is exhaustin). I work all day and then come home to clean a house that I know I left clean when I left that morning. What do I do... keep ignoring it hoping it gets better? Talk to her? But how do I tell an older woman her habits are gross? Help!!

My future FIL, MIL, BIL, and 2 SIL's are AMAZING!!! I don't know what I'd do without them. When he and I first started dating, I was worried that they wouldn't like me...and boy was I wrong!!! I have been loved by these people from day 1. They don't act fake or anything. My own mother acts fake around people. I think mine are all amazing.

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