Whether they want to smother you with kindness or kick you to the curb, figuring out where your partner's fam fits in with your life is tricky. Here's how to navigate:
1. They Want to Be Friends...Best Friends
Liking you too much is better than hating you, but come on, you need some privacy!
- If your mother-in-law wants to meet for lunch and you have no desire or time, suggest you all do something together (make your spouse go too). You can’t ignore her, but since it’s your mate’s mom, it’s only fair you have a buffer.
- If your sister-in-law is hoping to spend some time with you or even gab on the phone, say: “Sounds great, but I only have 30 minutes. Is that okay?”
2. They Hate You
We’re guessing the feeling is mutual. But if your mate wants you to try harder, or you long to have them like you and nothing can break the ice, try giving it time to melt.
- Praise their parenting. Try something like, “He has been so great around the house lately. You guys did a great job teaching him how to clean a kitchen!”
- If only one of 'em is giving you the cold shoulder, focus on the others. Getting in good with a brother or aunt shows you're likeable and have good intentions.
3. They Want to Plan a Vacation -- Together
Now that you’re official, you’re invited to the weeklong family gathering. Lucky you! Did they mention it’s in the middle of nowhere?
- Go this one time. The next time the idea gets passed around, you can safely say, “We had a great time, but we're really looking forward to own trip this year.”
- If you’re in the same hotel, ask for rooms on different floors (do we have to explain why?). Build in "alone time" in addition to family time -- and lock that door!
4. They Ask for Money
Whether your sister-in-law asks you to be her lease guarantor or your brother-in-law needs $5,000 for a car down payment, the whole situation can get sticky.
- Before your compassion or anger kicks in, sit down with your spouse and discuss every aspect. Are you two the only option? Could it ruin your credit report? Do you need that money for yourselves?
- If you agree to the loan, put the amount and the time needed to pay it back in writing. If necessary, have a lawyer look it over. Cushion it with a joke, like, “Let’s get this in writing so we don’t end up on Judge Judy!”
5. They Pop In
Or they call during sex or show up at your favorite restaurant and ruin your romantic time alone. Basically, they enter your life at really unwelcome times.
- Set limits with an explanation (in case they’re oblivious): “Let’s chat about American Idol over email tomorrow. We get really exhausted after 9pm.”
- Ask your spouse to step up to the plate with, “Of course you’re welcome, but with our crazy schedules, we need advance notice when you’re coming over.”
Nestpert Jane Greer, PhD, a psychotherapist in private practice in New York City -- Grace Jidoun
See More: Couple Issues , Family & In-Laws , Love & Sex
62709952 
tlwagner
I am having a ton of in law issues read my blog its so crazy!! I think it is a very hard thing to deal with you want to be accepted yet your treated like you are trying to split everyone up
62500798 
kmshesko
At first, my husbands mom really liked me. The second we said we were engagned (granted I was still a freshman in college, he was a sophomore) she hated me. It got to the point where they would call and scream at him along with his grandma!! We had been together 3 years at that point and dated long distance before attending the same college. Because they said that either he breaks up with me or loses all their monetary support, he hasn't spoke to them since. The cord has to be cut sometime. I feel the husband has a responsibility to say to his mom "I have a wife now, she's the most important thing in my life, just like you were in dad's life once you got married." If he continues to take his mom's side over yours, then something needs to be addressed. I'm not saying it has to be as extreme as my husband (still hasn't talked to them 3 years later), but now your relationship needs to be more important than the one between him and his parents. My parents have accepted that we are now our own family and need to start our own traditions, such as Thanksgiving at our house which has been great. To those who have great relationships with their in-laws, congrats!
62462638 
fbanczak
I'm at a point where I don't know what to do about my MIL. I just got married about a month ago and I was blasted by her with everything that is wrong with me and what was done wrong with the wedding the day after. I have been dating my husband for 5 years (mostly through college) and she liked me at first but things have always felt weird with her. My husband used to say I was mistaken and that she liked me (I heard from a friend that she tried to tell him not to propose to me because we were too young - he was 23, I was 22). In the beginning of the engagement she started opening up and letting me call her Mom (breakthrough) then she fought with us after our couples wedding shower over things that she thought were unfair to her. It was totally downhill from there to the point where friends say she was scowling during our wedding ceremony. She feels I'm taking her first and only son away from her - even though she works with him daily at the same company. I feel so unwelcome and distraught after the post-wedding lashing that I don't know how to pretend to feel at Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's hard to talk about with my husband because he doesn't want to admit that she has been this way toward me and that she will likely never ever accept me (and I have gone out of my way to do many thoughtful things to show her appreciation after she yells at us - mostly me - for feeling left out, angry, whatever and she has given nothing back to me). I feel like giving up. I don't know what she wants from me but it feels like torture because my husband will not give up on her and continues to try (she does not try at all) to make things better and therefore I'm roped into feeling that it's all my fault and I need to make the effort to heal the situation. How do you deal with a MIL where you can never do enough? I feel like I'm neglecting my own parents more than I should because of her guilt-trips. I don't want to be blamed for everything! :-(
62434604 
Hganapin
omg, i'm really glad to hear everybody's side of the story. My husband and I have decided to spend this christmas with my side of the family. When my MIL heard about this, she went crazy and got upset, saying that christmas is THEIR family tradition, that she's not asking for thanksgiving, easter, or any other holiday, except for Christmas. She's saying that when I married my husband I'm agreeing to all of their traditions, and if I didnt like it then we shouldnt have gotten married in the first place, etc. I just think it's not fair for us to be spending EVERY christmas with them...I have my side of the family too. My husband agrees with me on this and he wants to experience how we celebrate the holidays. we just have to be firm on our decision, not everybody's going to agree with us on this.
62334988 
sparklyhandedbabydoll
I have to say, that I am greatful that my FMIL is not this way at all. Now that my fi is living further away from his parents his mom seems to call him more often, checking in, and giving little updates on stuff. For the most part it seems like his family relationships are sweeter. She gets naggy with him now and then with the questions and suggestions. But hasn't ever addressed the finances or living situations to me. She and my FFIL have been super sweet. Hope fully this will remain, hearing the other stories its a little sad to think such a sweet lady may turn crazy lol
62329455 
Carrie3102
RicaBabe... that's my life. He sees nothing knows nothing and always thinks I'm over-reacting.
62309619 
jenn0620
my mother in law and i were very close. Recently my husband and i got in a fight and she took over and has told us what we need to do to fix it. needless to say i felt she shouldnt have but in. long story short somethings you cant fix she isnt talking to me and i feel no need to talk to her. so i agree with you kkeddie somethings can't be fixed
62111010 
kkeddie
unfortunately none of these advices was able to help me out with the in laws. sometimes you can't change narrow narcissist minded people. i try over and over again, marriage counseling, personal couseling, trying everything i do, taking advice left to right to make ammends with the in laws, and their response, "you're just not good enough for our son and us... "
61746025 
ldevietro
My future MIL is amazing to us! She loves me, and is glad her son found me, shes not upset at all that maybe i "stole him away" or anything. MY future FIL (her ex-husband) who owns a business worth multi-millions, thinks he is gods gift to the world, and most recently we have been fighting over a prenup. He has an anger problem and he is immature and has no contact or relationship with my step-daughters, his two grand-daughters. I am giving up hope for him to be in the lives of our future children, and quite frankly im okay with it.
61691748 
wendyculley
A lot of where this sort of behaviour stems from is fear of being alone on the part of the MIL. My MIL has been lovely to me but I know she has had some of these feelings as well and I have seen friends really suffer with huge MIL issues. This woman has spent her whole life dedicated to raising the man you are now marrying. The thought for her that all of a sudden all of his attention and affection will now be moved over to another woman (i.e. you!) who in her mind hasn't invested as much in that man's life (she's been there when he was sick, changed his nappies, comforted him when other kids were mean etc etc) is a really painful and lonely experience. The best thing to do is right from the start when things are turning to the more serious make the effort to spend a little bit of time alone with her asking about her interests and letting her know that she is gaining a daughter not losing a son, that way she doesn't need to be afraid of losing him and start acting up. If that doesn't work and things get out of hand, point out to her that you are planning to bring her grandchildren in the future and want her to play a big part in their lives but she is making that very difficult, that should help her get the message that there is a good reason why should needs to try and play nice. But also remember - you'll be in her shoes one day when your kids grow up and want to marry so try and imagine how she must feel and treat her how you would like to be treated by the future wife of your own son when the time comes.
61585599 
tracbabe15
my MIL is different, she was good but now she keeps making her son mad with all her drama in her house and she can't respect his step mother so i get angry... we just got married last saaturday and before that she gave us a run for our money, and when she gets into a fight with anyone the whole world has to know. She also has a comment for everything and I hate it.. And she purposly sets her son off with the problems in the house and then tells him to keep his mouth shut when he gives his opinion and kicks him out of her house... she always puts her daughters before him and she didn't even show happines to him when we got married only when she was around other people to say that is her son... she is an attention theif .....
61576242 
chloe76
liesl6@gmail.com- I am in the same position. My husband as a result of his mother's behavior toward me no longer speaks to his mother. She was great in the beginning and as time went on she showed her true colors. MY MIL has issues with everyone from her family to her friends and neighbors. She's just one of those people that are so unhappy they can't get along with anyone. I don't think you have to have a relationship with your MIL. I know it's hard because she is the mother of your husband, but you don't want your MIL ruining your marriage. Since we decided that my MIL is too toxic for us to be around our lives have been so much better. So I hope your husband understands. He can continue to have a relationship with her if he chooses, but you don't have to continue to be insulted by her.
61427822 
biztuffles
mrs.bmw- sounds like your husband needs to step in and tell her to quit bringing candy over and quit telling her that she can have a cat. Sometimes that can be like pulling teeth, though! liesl- what your MIL did was WAY over the line. You should have a serious sit-down with her, your husband and maybe her husband (so she feels she isn't being ganged up on) and literally show the text to her in front of them and say, "this is not how you treat someone, especially someone in your family". Sounds like she's completely crazy and she won't stop until you and your fiance are firm but fair with her. "we have three families now, [husbands], [yours], and the one we have together as husband and wife. you can't expect us to spend every holiday with just one family, that's not fair to the rest." it's really as simple (in words, anyway) as putting your foot down, especially your husband. Don't we all wish it was that easy, though?
61424875 
CL3542
My issue is the "wanting to get to know me on a deeper level" concept. I have known my fiance since I was 15, and have been attending family gatherings and such for a few years. The family (including my FMIL) all seem to get along with me really well. But then there's the 8am conversation of, "What is your view on G-d and the Universe?". I haven't had my coffee yet! When I try to say things like, "I don't feel comfortable talking about that" or, "I don't think this is a good time to discuss it," it seems to fall on deaf ears. I find that she pushes and pushes until I have to talk about it. It usually ends when I walk away (often crying) or when she and my hubby to be get in a huge argument over "why he feels the need to protect me all the time" (she's somewhat of a feminist) or "why he doesn't want me to have any kind of real relationship with her." I've started talking less and less and need some way to stop things without stopping conversation completely. HELP!
61374934 
liesl6@gmail.com
Well, I know my MIL hates me. Her actions prove it. It's my husband's b-day this week, so I organised theatre tickets, as he loves theatre. We were planning on stopping by his parents' place so that they can see him on his b-day as well. Yesterday she sent me a text message, telling me that I am immature and need to grow up. She thinks (in her words ) that I am trying to keep him away from her and that it will end this instant. She is demanding (completely oblivious to the fact that I have a family as well) that we spend Christmas, birthdays, New Years, Mothers Day AND Fathers Day with them. My husband doesn't know what to do - as I am fed up with her. For the last 6 years she has been undermining me and bad mouthing me (she has called me a tramp, liar, home wrecker (as I wrecked her home apparently) and many other things in the past. I have tried repeatedly to make things nice with her, trying to accept her for who she is,but last night I told my husband (after a major outburst from her side that left me in a state) that I don't want anything to do with in the future from this point forward. I know it must hurt him, but what about me (Yes, I am being a little bit selfish, I know)? I have no clue what to do anymore. His mom always promises to him that she'll make more of an effort, try harder etc, but a few weeks later she just erupts again. Any advice?
61137952 
Mrs BMW
Oh My! Yes... my Mother in Law and I do not get along AT ALL. My husband has a 3 year old daughter and instead of respecting our home, our rules... MIL brings bags of candy to the little one every time she comes over. My opinion is that she is trying to buy her love because she is truly a frightning woman and my step-daughter does not like her very much. She also keeps on promising our little girl a KITTEN! HELLO!!!! I'M ALLERGIC!!!!! So the poor little baby cries everysingle time the dumb woman is on the phone or comes over because we keep saying that she can't have the cat the old bat has promised her!
60841010 
LOVIE2
RicaBabe ~ Ignore the MIL and focus on your DH. You don't have to deal with her every day, try to keep it so that DH HAS to be with you when you are in her presence. Eventually she'll tire of the BS she hashing. EmilyBlair0827 ~ See above. As for the nagging - talk to your fiance about it and let him know that it will not be tolerated. You are his top prioirty and he needs to check her. My Mom went through this with my Da'ds Mom as well. While they dated all was well - got engaged and the horns started to show - got married and it was an all out war for about 37 of the 41 years they been married! Don't let it go that far. Nip it now. lang107 ~ It's time to move. Sounds like FIL is trying to hold the living situation over your heads. There's no other way to avoid this from continuing except to move to your own home/apt/etc. You may not be as comfortable but think about it - you're not comfortable now knowing he's probably been rifling through your things.
60756465 
RicaBabe
OMG Mine haaates me, apparently for the reason that I stole away her oldest son. My bad. But she tries to act all nicey in front of him, so that he doesn't realize that she hates me so much. He thinks she is trying really hard and just doesn't really understand me or know me that well, but she is being totally manipulative! Drives me nuts. If I say something to him about it, he doesn't even think it's an issue! It makes me so frustrated that I really want nothing to do with her, but that's probably not going to solve anything either! ughhhh Keep them away.
60699765 
EmilyBlair0827
My future mother-in-law was great in the beginning while my fiance and I were dating but after the first mention about taking it to the next step and getting married she's been not only unreasonable to me but to her own son as well. She never has anything nice to say about us and it seems she's always nagging. This is her only straight son and her only chance at grandchildren but she's treating me like I'm not good enough for her son all of a sudden. It's driving me crazy.
60668690 
lang107
what do you do if your father-in-law chooses to ignore boundaries; he knows exactly what he's doing, too. my fiance and i have literally caught him (w/his neice) snooping through our room. also, due to certain circumstances, my fiance and i are now living alone in a house his parents bought as an investment property; his father thinks this gives him the right to come over without calling first (if we miss his call, he'll still show up at our front door, even though he lives an hour anda half away). and when he comes here, he goes room by room; if i don't follow him, he probably would go through our drawers and closets. my father-in-law has also been asking for copies of our house keys; my fiance kept refusing to give it to him, so the next time his father took my fiance's car in to service it for him, he took his house key and made a copy of it.
60276358 
918Bride
This is some really good advice, I am having a hard time with these very issues and it is a comfort to know, I'm not alone.