my married life blog

When Holly and I fight, it can get pretty dirty -- inevitably, she’ll bring up some ex who contacted me on Facebook and I’ll mention how her family is eccentric, and no matter how the fight started, we’ll always somehow end on the small things that bother us about each other. I’m not proud of it.

But we always try to make up before bed. Most of the time, I’ll surrender to her high-pitched yelling (because god forbid, if she resorts to tears, I’m done). I make sure to say "I love you" before we close our eyes and turn over. And I’m okay with the fact that sometimes she doesn’t say it back -- mostly because I know myself well enough to know that if I don’t get it out there, I'll toss and turn all night because we didn’t solve anything.

So when I found an article about going to bed angry on PsychologyToday.com, I was excited to get validation that my "I love you" method was the right one. Boy was I wrong. The article explains that when we become angry, our prefrontal lobes (the ones that deal with reasoning) shut down and our reptilian brain takes over. Apparently, we resort to our fight-or-flight response, which makes us less than willing to reason and think logically. So they say that it’s okay to go to bed angry, because you’re not really going to accomplish anything anyway.

I couldn’t disagree more. All I know is that when I get annoyed, my heart rate goes up, I become upset, and both of those factors don’t bode well for a good night’s sleep. Sure, when I turn to Holly and reassure her that despite everything, we’re alright, she might not feel the same way, but it's still a step in the right direction. When she wakes up the next morning, I’ve already apologized, and it’s up to her to make the next move. Tricky, right?

Plus, I do not look at our couch as a place of refuge; it’s a cold, cold place -- why would I ever willingly sleep there?

What do you guys think? Are there any ways you ease your minds after a bad fight? Do you go to bed angry? And what about the couch -- are you with me that it’s no fun winding up there for the night?

Chances are, if you’re reading The Nest, you’ve found a partner (like Stephanie and I have) and you know firsthand how difficult the search was. We're all familiar with George Costanza's famous "It's not you, it's me" scenario on Seinfeld -- whether you were on the giving or receiving end of that bs. My personal favorite to deliver was always, "Look, I'm just way better-looking than you, and if people are going to think that I'm marrying you for money, then you should at least have some...right?" You know, that ol' classic! Bottom line: It's hard enough to find one person. Stephanie and I are on the hunt for TWO!

Dave and I met in LA and moved to NYC for my job. While it was a great career opportunity, it meant leaving my core group of girlfriends. I have friends in New York but not a circle of girls that I can just get together with and do nothing -- and still have a great time. Case in point: We formed a book club that met once a month, and it was just about the most fun a girl could have -- and we never read one book!

I'm from New York. It's a little different for me. This has always been home, and I've always had the social crutch of both family and friends to rest on if I needed some chill time -- in my single days or even now.

It's just not the same for me. With girlfriends came boyfriends and husbands for Dave. We're not dispensing advice this week. We’re the ones who need help! We need couple friends! How do you get ’em?

The problem is, the initiation of a new couple into your lives is almost always going to come through one half of the couple. It's never mutually new. For example, I could propose that we go out with my buddy Jay and his wife, but that's really just going out with my friend and shoving Stephanie into the awkward position of seeing if she hits it off with Jay's wife. Super awkward. It's always cordial, but you can't force a true friendship.

Dave is truly great in social situations. He can be thrown into any circle of people and have something to talk about. I've brought numerous friends from work home for dinner and to some of Dave's stand-up shows, and they always hit it off. But I still know that he's hanging out with them for me.

Is there a Match.com for couples? Okay, instantly as I typed that, I realized it's the saddest idea man has ever come up with.

We're a reporter and a comedian! We have interesting lives!

Here's our ad...hit us up if you're interested:
35 y/o Male and 28 y/o Female seeking long-term nonsexual relationship with fellow cool couple. Guy must be chill and not correct me if his name is "Michael" and I call him "Mike." Girl must be willing to talk about any and everything, point or no point, sense or nonsense. Must have tolerance for loud laughs in public. Hit us up!

How did you find the perfect couple friends? Tell us here. Are you still on the prowl?

Stephanie Tsoflias is a reporter for WPIX in New York City. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter (@lifeofareporter). Dave Siegel is a writer and stand-up comedian in New York City. Visit his website, DaveSiegel.com, and follow him on Twitter (@StandUpDave).

A new study put out by the University of California, Berkeley, says that gossiping actually has health benefits. No, we're not talking about lowering blood pressure or the risk of cancer -- more like reducing your heart rate and stress level -- and this is only after you've gossiped about someone who did something wrong. Because that's the only thing we ever gossip about, right?

Let's ignore the fact that I, for one, gossip for the hell of it. It's not out of control, but it definitely isn't limited to wrongdoers. Sure, I'll talk about a friend of mine who cheated on her boyfriend, but I'll make sure it never gets back to either of them. Sometimes it just feels good to get something off your chest. Now that I think about it, maybe that's what they're talking about, the whole good-for-you thing?

Also found in the study: Researchers report that gossip actually "plays a critical role in the maintenance of social order." But wouldn't all the factors have to work out? One: The bad gossip gets back to the person being gossiped about. Two: The receiver of the gossip has a questionable conscience and is discouraged from behaving badly because of the gossip.

When I looked into the study further, I discovered that the researchers had covered their bases -- no surprise there. They call this type of gossip "prosocial." Turns out, researchers tested their findings in a number of different studies, and in one, the person being gossiped to was the next to interact with the wrongdoer, so the motivation for gossiping was a form of warning. I've repeatedly discouraged all of my friends from going to this one salon in New York City. I had a terrible experience there, and sure, morally they did nothing wrong, but it was bad -- as in our dog gets better haircuts bad.

So rest easy that your gossiping and scheming ways won't do you wrong; they'll actually be good for you (unless you're simply out to taint someone's name)! How do you feel about these findings? Are you going to gossip more or less?

I believe it's only human nature to question any action we make that has the potential to change our lives drastically -- like marriage or even cohabitation. I just read an article on PsychologyToday.com about that very issue. The article suggests that perhaps people going through negative life changes like divorce and custody battles didn't look beyond the question, "Am I with the right person?" to the more important question, "How can we make the marriage or relationship better?" Like the article says: "It is the signal to grow as an individual -- to take responsibility for your own frustrations. Invariably, we yearn for perfection but are stuck with an imperfect human being." Uh, yeah, like Jack. He's nowhere near perfect -- he always tells me to be more of an "owner" in relation to our apartment, but then he turns right back around and doesn't do the dishes. What's up with that?

When we take a step back and invest some time asking ourselves the tough questions, that's what author Rebecca Webber calls "the first day of your real marriage." We're raised to believe that there's only one "true love" for us out there (you know...Prince Charming), which often causes us to question if, indeed, we married that one person. Sure, when you look at it that way, of course you didn't! What are the odds you'd ever find them? I'll tell you: slim. When things aren't turning out all rosy, we turn to our partner and find their faults.

William Doherty, professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota, says, "No one is going to get all their needs met in a relationship." But in mature adult relationships, you should make an effort to rearrange the way you think about those needs. For instance, "I'd like Jack to spend more time going out with me instead of silently reading at home," rather than, "I'm so unhappy because he doesn't want to spend time with me."

When we're busy falling head over heels in love (and lust), we forget that the good also comes with the bad. I didn't marry just Jack's ability to make me laugh or his smokin' hot bod -- I married all of him. It's too easy to blame Jack for everything that might be wrong in our relationship, instead of pointing the blame at myself for my own discontent. In other words, marriage and relationships are about growing to become a better spouse, for both you and your spouse.

I'll be the first to admit that when I'm unhappy for some reason, I point the blame at Jack: Why can't he surprise me more; why doesn't he clean up after himself? But what about me -- maybe I should be more spontaneous, or worry more about cleaning up, since, after all, I'm the neat freak in our relationship. What about you guys -- ever looked at your relationship in this way? Admittedly, it's not exactly a novel concept, but it is something that's often overlooked in the face of finding "the one" for you instead of reassessing the one you're with.

I hope the guys out there are making their Valentine's Day plans right about now. Because if you wait until the eleventh hour and wind up at Olive Garden, let me tell you: The phrase "at least we're together" died sometime around 1983. Coincidence that this was the year Stephanie was born? I think not!

The stakes are high for me on Valentine's Day. As a girl who received flowers from her parents each and every year until I was 26, I was relieved when our first Valentine's Day came along. No more parental pity. I figured, finally I have a man who will shower me with gifts, chocolates, flowers and a fancy dinner. Turns out, mom had to keep the flowers coming.

Stef starts to get all googly about our potential V-Day plans and gifts around the turn of the new year. The romantic in me views Valentine's Day as a fabricated holiday conjured up by companies like Hallmark so that they can sell more greeting cards, candy and chocolate after their usual Christmas profits lull. Aww.

I believe in all the bells and whistles that come with the holiday. I love it and want it. Period.

I actually consider myself to be a romantic guy. Where Stef and I butt heads is on our respective definitions of "romance." I think a designated annual day to be "romantic" is inherently unromantic. I view romance as spontaneous generosity. Every now and then, I will surprise Stef with a "mystery date." I tell her what time she needs to be ready and how she needs to dress, and we're off. It's fun for both of us because I know while Stephanie loves the mystery and spontaneity, she also hates not having information that I have, and watching her guess and squirm is entertainment for me. Past mystery dates have included a drive-in movie, an off-Broadway play and a live taping of Jerry Springer (I highly recommend the latter).

Dave's mystery dates makes me smile. They never fail, and he truly puts his heart and soul into planning. So I might sound like a total bitch when I say it's not enough. He needs to come through on Valentines Day too. I look forward to it and want it to be super-special. Yes, I expect a gift and flowers. And if money is tight or if the time to plan isn't there, well, think ahead. I do! Last year, I left the planning to him for the day (he knew I had high expectations), but I still got him a lift ticket to go snowboarding.

Last year's Valentine's Day was a disaster. I showed Stephanie the restaurant I had chosen, and it wasn't "special" enough for her. Translation: It got "$$$" in Zagat's, not "$$$$." I truly resented that, and the whole thing blew up big time. (Side note: While recently walking past the very same restaurant, Stephanie said, "Oh, this place looks good," and I worked hard to bite my tongue.)

So this year, I am taking care of the V-Day plans! But my birthday is two weeks after, and that's on Dave!

Where do you guys stand on Valentine's Day? Is romance in the air, or is it a recipe for disaster?

Stephanie Tsoflias is a reporter for WPIX in New York City. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter (@lifeofareporter). Dave Siegel is a writer and stand-up comedian in New York City. Visit his website, DaveSiegel.com, and follow him on Twitter (@StandUpDave). The DC area can see Dave at Riot Act Comedy Club February 8-11.