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Happy F-ing Birthday

(But he meant well...)

As my biance, Dave has a huge responsibility on my birthday. He might as well be my husband when March 5 rolls around, because my expectations are that high (as they should be).

I couldn't be less of a "birthday person." The last one I cared about was my 21st. My birthday is also right before Christmas, so it gets overshadowed by JC's.

All I wanted this year was to have a couple of friends over for drinks and cake. It's not necessarily something Dave would've wanted for his birthday, but as you all know, Dave and I are very different (in good ways). So I had to be clear. While it’s less romantic, I knew I wanted an ice cream cake this year. So I mentioned it. And he got me one.

"All I wanted" my ass!!! All Stef wanted on her ACTUAL birthday, which was on a MONDAY, was a party (albeit small) at our place, and yes, she made a specific request for ice cream cake. I noticed she failed to mention the dinner at the chic French restaurant I took her to on the preceding Friday OR the dinner with siblings and cousins on Saturday, where I arranged for the entire waitstaff to sing "Happy Birthday" OR the trip to Miami we're taking this coming weekend. But let's get back to Monday...

Dave brings out the ice cream cake and asks, "Do you want us to sing?" Umm, I wanted a cake. Of course I want you to sing! But I don't want to say, "Umm, YES!" in front of all my friends who were ready to whip out their best Mariahs. One thing was missing too: CANDLES! Dave's excuse? "I didn't even think to get them." Did I really have to tell him to get those too?

Okay, I didn't get candles! I'm the worst! We serenaded her two nights prior! How many times does a chick pushing 30 want to be sung to? To add insult to injury, I then have Stef's friends asking me, "Really, Dave? No candles?" That's right! No candles! Eat your effin' cake! (Sorry, that was a little harsh.)

We dealt without the candles -- I'd already made my wish. (Can you guess what my main wish was?! One hint: bling.) To make it up to me, Dave started a new tradition. He knows I love to dance to cheesy songs and "Hot Hot Hot" came on over the '80s station on XM. Everyone had left at this point, and Dave started a drunken naked conga line. He swept me off my feet, and we made our own two-person line around the house!! I was laughing so hard I forgot about the candle catastrophe! Oh, and it's possible our neighbors were watching (with envy).

I will neither confirm nor deny the two-person drunken naked conga line.

Tell me, ladies: What was the sweetest thing your guy ever did for your birthday -- or the most annoying thing?!

Stephanie Tsoflias is a reporter for WPIX in New York City. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter (@lifeofareporter). Dave Siegel is a standup comedian and writer in New York City. You can see a list of his upcoming performances at and follow him on Twitter (@StandUpDave).