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My Almost Married Life - I'm Her First Boyfriend.

I'm Her First Boyfriend

Learning this was, shall we say...interesting?

Hey guys. It's Dave. Stephanie is getting waxed. That may take awhile, so it'll just be me today.

If you’re familiar with our backstory, then you know that Stephanie and I are sorta almost kinda married, but not. I recognize the fact that it takes a certain type of girl to tolerate me. I think about the girls I dated prior to Stephanie. I always considered myself to be a really cool boyfriend for, say, two months. That seems to be the grace period -- when a girl can bring their friends to my comedy shows (I do standup), pick up the tickets that I left at will-call and show off to her friends that her new boyfriend does something a little different.

That thrill soon wears off. All of a sudden, it's less about how cool it is that I have a gig in DC this weekend and more about "This weekend?? That's Lindsey's engagement party!" So it doesn't always work out, you know? But I do feel those experiences with exes have only made me wiser in the art of the relationship.

Now let's take a look at Stephanie's exes. Here is a list of them, in chronological order:




That's right: I’m Stephanie’s first boyfriend! She was 26 when I met her. That's got to be a red flag, right?

Listen to how I found out: About a year ago, Steph and I took a trip to Naples, Florida, to visit a bunch of her friends and former coworkers. She was a reporter for the ABC affiliate down there before moving to Los Angeles, where we met. Upon being introduced to me, everyone, from her fellow reporters to the chief of police (seriously), tenderly placed a hand on my arm, looked me in the eye and said some derivative of, "We are so glad Stephanie finally met someone." WTF?! I felt like I’d been shopping off the “as-is” rack, only I couldn't find the damage!

Occasionally, after one too many gin and tonics on New Year’s Eve -- or after having read a flirtatious comment on my Facebook wall from a fan -- Steph will bust a sanity spark and go monkey-frenzy crazy on me. It's times Iike these that I’ll come out with something along the lines of, "Ooh, now I get why you’ve never had a boyfriend.” At this point, instead of getting angrier (I know, it’s a little mean), Steph usually lets out one of her trademark, irresistible guffaws -- and that is what makes her a great match for me.

So she has zero relationship experience, but it’s better than dating a triple divorcee with more baggage than Samsonite, right?

What do you think: Was your significant other’s past relationship experience -- or lack thereof -- ever an issue for you?

-- Stephanie and Dave