I'm not a huge Russell Brand fan, but I know enough about the cat to know that he’s shagged pretty much every British bird with two teeth or more (and even that may be a flattering exaggeration of his standards). How do I know this? Because Brand won't shut up about it! He's based several stand-up routines on the topic and has gotten into bickering matches with men like Rod Stewart after publicly claiming to have bedded their daughters.
So it should be no surprise that his former conquests are still his favorite go-to topic. In a recent TV interview with Piers Morgan, Brand said, "I can't believe I used to have sex 20 times a week, especially now that I'm married. But now I'm a bloody good gardener." Brand also admitted that having sex up to five times a day was "probably a bit much" and added that he is now happily married to singer Katy Perry.
For me, Brand's interview brings two things to mind: First, I have a rock-star friend who was, for a time, having sex that many times a day too. Until, one day, this happened to him. I know, right? Luckily, he made it to the emergency room in time and woke up, post-surgery, to a doctor saying, "Congrats, we saved your balls." So you're welcome for that feel-good story. Second, I'll bet Katy Perry is pissed. Brand painted a pretty unsexy picture of his marriage (gardening?), and I doubt Perry appreciated that. So he may be having even less sex than normal right now.
But, in a way, I do get where Brand was coming from. He's probably trying to figure out what's normal when it comes to married sex and how to maintain a good sex life with his wife. He just went about it in a really stupid way. As I see it, there are a few unspoken rules when it comes to talking about sex as a married guy. First: Shut the hell up about your former single sex life. Why? Because pretty much any reference to it makes you look pathetic -- kind of like a guy with a giant beer gut reminiscing about his glory days playing high school football. Second: Be very selective when it comes to choosing which friend to talk with. By that I mean, don't go to a single dude and try to compare notes -- it's apples and oranges and, you know, greener grass. Likewise, don't go to the guy who is staring down the barrel of a divorce. If at all possible, find a guy with a good marriage who is actually into his wife. Those are the guys it's safe to talk sex with. It probably goes without saying that nobody wants to hear any dirty stories involving you and your wife.
But guys do talk about how much sex we are or aren't having. Why? Because no one wants to be the couple that isn't having any sex, and we all go through periods of not having very much. So we all feel pressure and need to check in with other guys to see how they handle it. This might just be a generational thing -- I mean, my father would walk in front of a train before he'd talk about sex with my mom (and I hope that never changes). But I'm willing to bet guys who are younger than me are even more loose-lipped about it.
So how about you guys? What's your rule of thumb when it comes to married sex talk?
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