1. If you’re an underwhelming dude having a one-night stand with a hot chick, there’s always a catch.
You’re either: a) about to accidentally become a father (Juno, Knocked Up) or b) about to become dinner (Jennifer’s Body).
Oscar Connection: Ellen Page (Juno) is sure to be at the Oscars this year -- her movie Inception is nominated for Best Picture.
2. You can have sex in public and never, ever get caught.
Of course you can. Tom Cruise did (Risky Business), and so can you. Disclaimer: The Nest cannot be held responsible for any indecent-exposure citations that result from following this advice.
Oscar Connection: Tom Cruise has been nominated for an Oscar three times -- twice for Best Actor (for Born on the Fourth of July and Jerry Maguire) and once for Best Supporting Actor (Magnolia) -- but he’s never won. His ex Nicole Kidman on the other hand, has won -- for The Hours. And she’s nominated this year for her role in Rabbit Hole.
3. However, masturbating dudes will always get caught.
Netflix Fast Times at Ridgemont High and American Pie for proof. (Note to dudes everywhere: Lock the door before … well, you know.)
Oscar Connection: Sean Penn (aka Spicoli) got it on with James Franco in Milk -- and won an Oscar for it (plus another statue for Mystic River). Franco’s nominated this year for 127 Hours.
4. If you are a girl and you find yourself really hating some guy, it’s pretty much an inescapable fact that you’ll wind up humping him at some point in the very near future.
True -- especially if your name is Katherine Heigl (27 Dresses, The Ugly Truth, Life as We Know It).
Oscar Connection: Katherine Heigl costarred in Killers last year with Ashton Kutcher. And while Kutcher is not nominated for an Oscar, he is double-nominated for a Razzie (for Killers and Valentine’s Day). Good luck, Kutch!
5. Clay is really erotic.
This is what we learned from a shirtless Patrick Swayze in Ghost. Just don’t test out this theory at your mall’s Color Me Mine, okay?
Oscar Connection: Hmm… Did we mention that Demi’s hubby, Ashton, is nominated for a Razzie? Oh, and Demi’s Ghost costar Whoopi Goldberg could make an appearance at the Oscars this year. She’s the voice of Stretch in Toy Story 3, which was nominated for five Oscars this year, including Best Picture and Animated Feature Film.
6. Any woman in law enforcement is duty-bound to have sex with the male criminals she pursues.
Rene Russo did it in The Thomas Crown Affair. And Jennifer Lopez did it in Out of Sight. (Come on, a criminal Clooney is a sexy Clooney.)
Oscar Connection: Clooney is a big fan of the Coen brothers, who’ve directed him in several films, including O Brother, Where Art Thou? and Burn After Reading. And their latest film, True Grit, is up for 10 Oscars, including Best Picture, Best Director and Best Adapted Screenplay. Unfortunately, neither a sexy nor a criminal Clooney stars in it.
7. According to pretty much every teen movie ever -- Sixteen Candles, Can’t Hardly Wait, American Pie, to name a few -- nerds have way, way more sex than the rest of us.
That’s right: Embrace your inner geek.
Oscar Connection: Mark Zuckerberg is a lovable geek who didn’t have much sex in The Social Network, but we bet Jesse Eisenberg is getting plenty now that he has an Oscar nom under his belt for his role as Mark. (And we’re pretty sure Zuck’s doing okay too.)
8. Cheating on your spouse will result in death, a severed limb, or a murdered pet.
We learned this from: Katharine’s tragic plane crash in The English Patient, Ada’s missing digit in The Piano, and Dan’s daughter’s boiled bunny in Fatal Attraction.
Oscar Connection: Colin Firth, who played Katharine’s husband in The English Patient, sure knows how to pick ’em: The English Patient won nine Oscars, and The King’s Speech is now up for 12 Oscars, including Best Actor for Firth. Although Ralph Fiennes -- who scored the Best Actor nod for stealing Firth’s wife in The English Patient -- isn’t nominated again this year, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 -- in which Fiennes plays Lord Voldemort -- is (for Visual Effects and Art Direction).
9. Alcohol never affects a man’s performance; just ask James Bond.
Also, a vodka martini -- shaken, not stirred -- will make you a superstar in the sack.
Oscar Connection: The next installment in the Bond series will be directed by Sam Mendes, who won an Oscar for American Beauty, which starred Annette Bening. Bening is no stranger to the Oscars -- she’s been nominated four times, including this year for The Kids Are All Right (and rumor has it this may be the year she finally takes one home).
10. If there’s a serial killer on the loose, for God’s sake, keep your clothes on.
This goes double if it’s Halloween. Or if you live on Elm Street. Or if it’s Friday the 13th. You know what? Maybe just keep your pants zipped, period.
Oscar Connection: Christian Bale -- who played one of the most iconic serial killers of all time as Patrick Bateman in American Psycho -- is up for an Oscar this year for The Fighter (the film received seven nominations total).
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