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The Nest Q&A

Help! Our busy schedules are putting a damper on our sex lives.

Sex cannot always be “the” priority, but if you want to keep the passion alive, you have to make it a priority. Building your career is an important and worthy goal. Not only does work bring home a paycheck, it also likely helps you both to feel challenged and intellectually stimulated. That said, sex and your relationship need to be important too.

When couples first get together, they don’t need to prioritize sex because their hormones are rushing with the first blush of love or lust. As people stay together longer, however, sex becomes one of many things couples do together. And often, it becomes something that couples have to make room for.

What’s a typical week like for you? Is there one evening or an entire day each week that you can set aside together? Try to think not only in terms of scheduling sex, but in terms of scheduling time together to watch a movie, exercise together, cook, or read out loud to each other. Sex thrives on intimacy and connection. If all you ever do is schedule 15 minutes for a quick romp, that’s going to get old pretty quickly. If you can create a balance of quickies and long, leisurely afternoons or evenings spent just enjoying each other’s company -- and yes, ending up in bed or on the sofa! -- that will likely be more satisfying in the long run for each of you.

Debby Herbenick, PhD, is a research scientist at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure & Satisfaction. She blogs at

-- Debby Herbenick

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