Q.
We saved ourselves for marriage and now, seven months later, he'd rather masturbate than have sex. I've tried talking to him, but it's like talking to a brick wall. What gives?
A.
There could be many reasons why he finds sex either a stressful or negative experience. Without him opening up, it'll be hard for you to work this out. However, it'd definitely be worthwhile to find out what he enjoys about masturbation. It may be that he's embarrassed to tell you the sort of stimulation he likes, so he relies on masturbation for sexual release.
Tell him you'd love to learn how to pleasure him just as well as he does to himself. Take it slowly and make this suggestion when you're both relaxed. At first, he might feel a bit nervous showing you what he does. Hopefully he'll learn to relax and realize you simply want to please him.
Once you get him to open up, you can let him know the sort of touch and stimulation you like too. If this doesn't work, I suggest marriage counseling.
Nestpert Dr. Pam Spurr, author of Make Love All Night & Talk to Him in the Morning and Naughty Tricks and Sexy Tips: A Couple's Guide to Uninhibited Sexual Pleasure
See More: Sex Q&A
62410783 
sjcoregon6
I useed to date a guy who at 24 had no sex drive what so ever. No matter what I did he was not interested. After several frustrating years i realized that he had SO much stress from work he had nothing left for me when he got home. Not long after that discovery and he took another less demanding positintion with another company and not long after that his sex drive went through the roof. Just my experiance.
62288188 
annaconduh
My husband and I have been married almost 2 years, and we both waited until we were married also. He's 27 now and I'm 24 and it's not at all unusual for us to go a month or two without having sex. For a while it really bothered me. I mean I'm not always in the mood, but it seems like I am far more often than he is! He's in a wheelchair, and before we got married he would always tell me that "gimps" are so much more horny (forgive the slang, that's his description!) than able-bodied guys, and that he's always in the mood. But now he's hardly ever in the mood! I've tried initiating and wearing cute or sexy lingerie and he's more worried about cleaning the house or doing some other chore and by the time he's done dilly-dallying, I'm tired and ready for bed! I know he loves me and I love him to death, but the sex just isn't there. And now I'm on an anti-depressant (not due to the sex, just because of fatigue!) and a side-effect is decreased libido. So now at least I'm not hurt or annoyed by the fact that we rarely have sex, just accepting and a little sad that it's not a big part of our marriage. And sometimes I feel like flutterbyflyhi, like sex is a chore and not exciting. I don't orgasm from sex, or even oral or anything, I have to do it myself. And then we both feel bad because he wishes he could please me more and I feel bad that he feels bad. It's just all around a not great situation and I'm a little relieved that it doesn't happen much anymore anyways. *sigh*
61407131 
joannakhunt
Try reading a book called, "The Sex-Starved Wife." Michelle Wiener-Davis. At least knowing you're not alone can help. Also, a book called, "If Men Could Talk" may bring understanding of your man's world.Counseling is a must--with someone who can address the emotional, physical, and spiritual componants. Even for your own sake. This situation can do a huge number on your self-esteme and confidence. You need to learn how to work through what you are feeling so that you can be in a healthy position to work through the situation with your husband. Good counselors are hard to find but don't give up until you get the help and answers that sit right in your gut.
61120710 
sball1979
I'm in the same boat are you guys are. We've been married almost 8 months and our sex life is down to sex once every month or so, while I'd like it to be several times a week. I'm 29 and he's 22. I've tried talking with him about the fact that physical intimacy is important to be feeling loved and emotionally connected to him. I even came right out and gently as possible, asked him if he no longer finds me attractive and he was very reassuring that that's not it. He just says that he isn't used to doing it and that he doesn't feel the need to do it very often. I've tried asking him what I could do to make the experience better for him, as well as gently guiding him to help make the experience better for me, but I have yet to orgasm from intercourse. I'm at my whits end too, wishing that he'd open up and talk about the situation or at least be willing to try new things until we find something that works.
60791162 
amandalea01
I feel the same way at times bhtucker. Right now I could do it at least a couple times a week but my husband, really isn't interested. We are lucky if we do it a couple times a month. I love him dearly and I know eventually my sex drive will die down and I could care less but it is just annoying right now.
60662292 
Azalea09
I am lucky in that my husband and I (who also both waited til marriage) have a wonderful sex life, but there are always things that need to be discussed/worked through. In our marriage couseling, our pastor said that anyone having serious or long-term problems in their sex life need to see a counselor. Sex isn't just a physical activity, it's a spiritual and emotional connection with your spouse. Most of the time (if you're young and healthy), sexual or intimacy issues are spiritual and emotional. Also, you shouldn't feel bad for wanting to talk about these things--sex is a partnership and only doing it with the frequency,etc... that one spouse desires is not right.
60187926 
Flutterbyflyhi
My husband and I are also both 26, have been married for 6 months, but together almost 9 years. We also waited. Our honeymoon was likes yours, we had sex almost daily, but once we got home, we haven't had much sex at all. Our situation is, it's not that he doesn't want to (he'd do it every day if I wanted), but it's just...boring! It's more of a chore for me than anything else. So many times, I thing something must be wrong with me and I try to "power through it", but it's like there's just no spark. It is heartbreaking, as I dearly love my husband, and I don't know what to do. We have even tried experimenting with various positions/lotions, etc.
60056436 
bhtucker
by the way, my husband and I are both 26
60054969 bhtucker
Not sure if this is the right place to post....but here goes: I have a question along the same lines. My husband and I saved ourselves for marriage. On our honeymoon we had sex pretty much once a day. When we got back it went straight to maybe once a week...the short version of the story is now we might have sex once every couple of months. I definitely want sex....as a matter of fact, you could say I am ready anytime anywhere! lol. The problem is my husband doesn't want to have sex. period. He says that guys don't think about sex as much as the media would make you think, and that it's just not normal to want sex 'that' often (I would be happy with having sex ANY more often than we do). He even says that he is perfectly normal, and is just past his sexual peak which is 'why' he doesn't want to have sex. It's not a matter me not being seductive, there are no games to play, no outfits to wear...you name it, I've tried it...and felt humiliated when my husband is seemingly uninterested. It's not that he's mean about it...he is just very honest about the fact he doesn't want to do it. And don't think 'oh he must be getting it from somewhere else', truly truly my husband is completely faithful. That is not the issue at all... This is a long post...I just kind of feel at my wits end here. He is too sensitive for me to really approach the subject. Whenever I do bring the topic to discussion, he ends up VERY defensive and I end up apologizing for talking about it. Shouldn't I be able to bring up the topic of sex with my husband?? Any words of advice?? Anyone out there like me?